Friday, March 11, 2011

What I Want to Be...

I'm having one of those crossroads in life where I'm thinking long and hard about what I want to be "when I grow up".  I can answer more easily the question, "what do I NOT want to be" but that doesn't help me much.

So I started drafting an ideal dream in my head of what would make me happy.

First, it would be having my own schedule.  I work very funny sometimes.  My brain, my creativity and therefore, my productivity ebbs and flows.  It also flickers on and off like a light switch or a channel changer.  My head bounces from one area of focus to the next like a ping pong ball.  If you've ever had a conversation with me, you know this.  So to fit my most productive brain power into a set work day (from 8-3, for example) is nearly impossible.  Take for example last week - I took 3 days off last week, worked one day (at work) and one day from home and managed to accomplish just as much, if not more, than I do sitting in my cubicle at work for 35 hours a week.  Not to mention, my house was more orderly, the dishes were done after every meal, the laundry was caught up, projects were completed and I generally felt like I knew what was going on with my family.

I'm not sure if that means I think better when I'm at home, I'm too distracted when I'm at work, or perhaps I'm just able to bounce in and out of work mode and Mom mode when it fits and still get just as much done as I do when I'm at work just wishing I could be at home being a Mom.

Anyway, ideally, I could wake up (at the crack of dawn, no doubt), do my early morning snuggling/coffee thing with the boys, get Nate off to school, get him/them working on a project of some sort or playing nicely together and sit down to get some work done.  If they need a drink or I have to make lunch, I go "on break" and attend to their needs.   Perhaps I stop in the afternoon to play a game of Hi-Ho-Cherry-O or piece back together a broken Lego fire truck.  I'd still get my snuggle time in the evening and then if need be, do some more work after they're in bed.  There are 16 hours in a day when I am awake, surely I can get a normal day's work in there somewhere by using my idle time more productively.  All while never (rarely) having to leave my house and having the flexibility to be there for my family when they need me.

Now, about this WORK I'd ideally be doing.  Something I enjoy.  Something I'm naturally good at, that comes easily.  Something that feels productive, expresses some of who I am, and allows me to feel good about my contributions.  Naturally, I would like this to be writing.  Articles, blogs, books, grants, I really don't care as much as I'm writing something and helping to support my family by doing it.  That would be awesome.  But I lack two very important skills...know how, and follow through.

I don't know where to start and my current "randomly applying for freelance jobs as they appear" thing isn't working out very quickly.  So, besides winning the lottery or learning that I have a wealthy Great Uncle Hector who passed away and left me his fortune in Confederate money to unload on Ebay, what's a girl to do?

All I know is I have to do something.  I'm a miserable wretch watching my boys' life pass me by while I miss it all.  How does that guy on the Food Network get the job as "Official Ice Cream Taste Tester", anyhow?  Surely my dream job has to be out there somewhere...

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