Happily in the Past

I was looking at a newsletter I get via email earlier tonight and realized the entire thing consisted of items, products, and stuff relevant to a stage of parenting I am officially PAST.

Everything in it - pacifiers, nursing pillows, diaper bags, baby carriers - was all stuff I can (happily!) say I'm over and no longer need!

I spend a lot of time being sad about moving out of those baby years.  I can spend hours missing the sweet smell, sounds, and "ease" of a snugly baby. So, I think it's helpful (and healthy!) to focus on the positive things about moving beyond the proverbial balls & chains of those early years.

Now, mind you, my boys are only 3 and 5 so we're not completely out of the woods yet, but there is still a lot of freedom to be seen as they get older.  Sure, I still grab a (pre-packed) bag with extra clothes and undies in it, just in case.  I still have occasion to pack that "emergency" snack and/or toy to occupy and distract a bored child.  But the light at the end of that tunnel is BRIGHT.  

I recently packed the boys up for an overnight at Grandma & Grandpa's so Dave and I could have adult time at the Fire Department banquet.  I used to have to pack two weeks worth of stuff for two boys to take a two day trip.  This time, I packed one small bag (with PJs, toothbrushes, and clothes for the next day) and a pile of blankets & Pillow Pets.  End. Of. Story.  Loved it!

Now I can throw the boys in the car (NOT literally!) and run to the store, visit a friend, grab dinner, or what have you, without a big "to do" (whatever that even means!).  

There's a breath of fresh air to be found in their independence (they WALK by themselves, mostly, buckle and unbuckle their own car seats, mostly, and can even help carry things!).  I have recently even begun (*gasp!) taking the stroller out of my trunk!!  I find I use it so infrequently these days.  (I KNOW!)

However, there is still that issue of what to do with all this stuff we've "outgrown"...I have a basement full of "useless" (to us) stuff - changing table, high chair, crib, boxes and boxes of clothes, bumbo, toys - I just can't bring myself to pass it on.

Hmmm...I guess I'm not far enough removed not to have an emotional attachment to this stuff.  So, perhaps I'm not as far past this stage as I thought?

Worth its weight...

I was grumbling this morning as I woke up at 4 AM to find Nate in the living room with the television on, watching Rescue Heroes for the umpteen millionth time.  Alex had maneuvered his way into our bedroom (again!) and I (thought I) had two more hours to sleep before my alarm rudely reminded me that it was Monday and I had to go to work.

As I lay there, trying to kick my hubby hard enough to stop his snoring and repeatedly telling Alex to close his eyes because "it was the middle of the night" (more or less!)...I opened my eyes to find my beloved monkey staring at me with the biggest, most beautiful smile on his face.  Now, anyone who knows Alex knows he has a smile to DIE for.  It melts my heart.  Everytime.  4 AM is no different.

So, I smiled back and in his characteristic Alex way, he whispered, "Are you happy, Mommy?" (He usually asks that when he thinks he's in trouble or I'm upset with him - and it's usually worded as "Are you happy TO me, Mommy?"

I could have died right then.

These are the moments I'm gonna miss.  Aside from all the cute misuses of grammar and the funny things they call their most prized possessions...

This is the stuff that life and all its good times are made of.

I might complain about Alex's sleeping habits, get frustrated with his having to be physically attached to me at all times....but truth be told, I know these moments are fleeting.  I know they won't last.  And I know they are pure gold.  So I'm (secretly) ok with him curling up at my feet in the middle of the night, or having to be touching me to fall asleep at night.  It's (secretly) ok if he talks incessantly (about nothing) before falling asleep or asks me to sing him "Little Bunny Foo Foo" again and again.

Because when he turns to me in the middle of the night, as exhaustion is pulling me apart at my seams, pokes me in the nose and whispers "honk, honk...beep, beep"...all the frustration in the world melts away and I realize that this is worth its weight in gold and then some.

Judgement and Criticism Free Zone

I don't know why but parenting seems to be riddled with judgement and criticism.  From the heated breast vs. bottle debate to co-sleeping vs. crying it out, everyone has an opinion.  And their opinion is usually the (only) right one.  It gets old.  I have low self esteem issues anyway so having to battle this constant critique from friends, family, and strangers alike is exhausting.  Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends who support me no matter what and are often chosen and kept as my friends because they are honest and accept me for who I am - so they are not the ones I am referring to.  My family is generally supportive of me no matter what, too, but there are always those random comments (whether natural or contrived) that catch me off guard and make me wonder if I'm doing it all wrong.

Today, for me, was an epic sort of Mom-fail day.  (Which if you read this article, you'd know how unhip and overused those words are in 2011).  From the very start I was challenged by seemingly normal activities and stressed by the chaos, mess, and noise bouncing off the walls of our house.  I yelled more than I (or, anyone) would want to, lost my temper, even threw out my back picking up my 45 lb. 4-year-old who was resisting arrest time out.  I just didn't have my wits about me and seemed to fail at every turn.  What turned my day around was the love and support from my 4-year-old and an omniscient g-chat with an angel.  At one point in the day, with tears streaming down my face from the reality of my pathetic parenting, Nathaniel came up to me and gave me a hug.  "I love you, Mom", he said and then turned a sweet, tender moment, into a fun game with an exaggerated voice saying "Bear HUGS?!" and then diving in for a bear hug of colossal proportions.  I hate failing my boys but at times like this I am comforted knowing somehow, at least, they're pretty good kids.

Later that night, while sitting at dinner with Nate and Alex, Nate put his fork down, clasped his hands and said rather authoritatively, "Everyone!  I think we need to talk, shall we?"  I was struck with his proclamation so I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he turned it back to me...So I suggested we do a round of "what was your favorite part of the day".  Mine, of course, was our fun game of "Bear HUGS?!"  :)

Out of nowhere, I got a message from Heidi on g-chat.  I had sent her an email earlier but in one short sentence she was able to surmise that I was having a rough day (still can't quite figure that out).  She let me vent and bemoan my failings and had brilliant words of wisdom to share in return.  Seriously, her being there at that moment to say the perfect things she said was a gift from up above.  Talk about perfect timing!

The reason I had emailed Heidi in the first place was because I had stumbled upon a blog that spoke directly to my soul today.  Over at Making the Moments Count, she writes about parenting, depression, life, and even blogs weekly with a theme of support amongst parents for our differences in parenting.  I'm not saying my epic fail today should be considered "right for us" by any means, it still sucked as far as parenting goes, but I hereby declare this space a non-judgement zone. If ever I don't hold to that, I ask you to call me out on it.  This world needs a little more acceptance and no matter who you are, where you've been, what you've done, what you believe, or how you parent, I think you're awesome and I relish the opportunity to learn from you!  So, expect me to take part in MtMC's weekly meme (did I mention that I hate that word?!?) and feel free to share your own stories of how you do this!  Parenting is an extremely hard job and last I checked there still was no instruction manual available so if it weren't for you, my fellow parents, friends, and family, I'd never make it through my day to day challenges!  I'm blessed and honored to be amongst some fine company!  Thank you!

Now, I'm off to take Heidi's fantastic advice and in her words,  I will "Now turn EVERYONE, even hubby and me, and whoever else OFF, and try to get centered as you have a long To Do list that you would like to tackle this year and you need to get off on the right foot.  One day at a time."

Indeed, one day at a time - and I am anxious to get this one over and start fresh again tomorrow!   

It's The Little Things...Mommy Power

I got a call at work yesterday from my husband who is home with the kids while I work during the day and then we switch "shifts".  He was frustrated because Alex wouldn't take his nap.  My boys historically really enjoy their sleep so this seemed odd to me.  I casually asked him if Alex had his (two basic requirement) blankets and his baby and my husband paused, stuttered, and said..."Oh, that's what he was saying...Um, I'll call you back!"

A few minutes later I got a picture message from Dave:

I texted him back and said "He needed his Baby, didn't he?"  To which Dave replied, "Yep".

*Sigh*

It's moments like that when I feel like I've got "it".  My Mommy super powers were shining and it felt so good to know what my boy needed, even while at work, and be able to "fix it".

Excuse me while I flex my Mommy muscles for just a second.  Ahhhh, that feels better.

Stop over to Starts at Eight and let us know what "little things" make this journey called "Motherhood" worth it for you.

10 on 10 : May 2010

In honor of Mother's Day and all the wonderful women in my life doing the world's most difficult (and most rewarding!) job, I decided to give this month’s 10 on 10 a Mom focus.  I tried to focus my hourly picture taking on things that represent “Motherhood” to me.  Enjoy!

The beautiful flowers I received from my precious boys for Mother’s Day yesterday.

The proverbial “Mom’s Taxi”…I’m not quite there yet but as a Mother we provide transportation for our little ones to doctor’s appointments, play-dates, and pre-school.  In fact, there are few places I go without my kids so while it’s not quite about them and their schedules just yet, it will be, I’m sure.

The constant balance of the Working Mother.

The struggle to provide my children with healthy food options.

The beauty of the process.

The emotions, the ups and downs, the challenges.

The bond.

Teaching my children to be independent.

Running a household.

Stopping to smell the roses (or blow the dandelions!) and ENJOY my boys.

For more 10 on 10 photos, check out here.

Momma-palooza

With Mother's Day upon us, I thought I would write briefly about Moms. Of course, I want to talk specifically about MY mom (who is the most fabulous Mother there is, of course) but I am also eternally grateful for the many amazing women I am blessed to have in my life who are traveling this road of Motherhood with me.  Together we are learning and growing.  These fantastic women are showing me how to be the best Mom I can be and supporting me on my journey towards that goal.  Thank you all!

My mother is probably the strongest person I know. She is my strength, my inspiration, my teacher, my mentor, and my friend. She is a woman who can nurse a wound with a sweet song, a gentle kiss, and the most tender touch and then in the next breath turn around and chop firewood and re roof the house right alongside my father. There isn't anything she can't do and has proven that time and time again with grace and spirit. She taught me how to dream big, care for others, and "accomplish" the things I set my mind to!

When I was little I suffered from severe eczema that left me unable to wear shoes or walk for days at a time. I would go to bed at night with an ice pack on my feet to quell the burn and itch just long enough to fall asleep. I was miserable and my mother knew that. One night she came home from work and told me the story of a little girl who was very ill. She was in the hospital and wasn't doing well. At night my mother would give me updates on how this little girl was doing and we'd pray for her. Suddenly, I didn't worry about my problems, whine about my issues, or feel bad about the difficulties I faced. This little girl had it worse than I did and she needed prayers and love and support. I sent her pictures I drew, wrote little letters, anything to show I was thinking of her. Through this little girl, my Mom taught me a lesson about perspective, empathy, and love that I will never forget.

Many years later as I was about to embark on a new chapter of life (college), I went into my parent's bedroom very late one night and told my mother I couldn't sleep. I had been up worrying about this new path, scared of leaving home to be on my own, terrified that I couldn't do it. My Mom let me crawl into bed with her (at 18!) and as I cried she held me and told me her job had been to give me wings and now it was time for me to fly. I looked at her through tears and said "but what if I can't fly?". Sadly I don't remember what her response was but I know she set my mind at ease. I moved out and while I haven't "looked back", per se...my mother has been there to support me and encourage me every one of those last 15+years...

Mom, you are a true inspiration and I want to thank you for showing me how to be the best I can be!  

Your determination, kindness, and giving spirit 

are just a sample of the MANY things I respect and adore about you!  

I love you, Mom!  

Thank you for giving me my wings AND teaching me how to fly!

Getting Old

Last week I went to see Spring Awakening at the RBTL.  I have season passes and this was one of the shows in the line-up.  Let me start by saying that the music was fantastic...but I didn't quite get the story.  I mean, I tend to think I'm pretty intelligent, but there were times I was a little lost.  Of course, I understand it was about heavy stuff.  Set in Germany in 1891, the teenagers in the play were struggling with their sexuality, trying to balance their desires with what was being taught to them by an overly oppressive society.  There are issues of violence, suicide, even abortion.  It's pretty deep.  The problem I had was that it was a little too much - too heavy, too racy.  Even for me.

That's where I start to feel old.  Seriously, I used to be hip, cool, even adventurous.  Now, though...I don't know.  It's like I've lost my edge.  I was physically uncomfortable watching this show at times -what with the show's language (*gasp*) and NUDITY (*GASP*) and all.  

I hate to say it but it seems since I've become a mother, I've turned into a PRUDE!  

I can't help it though.  Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I do, I'm looking through this new Mom lens.  I see things differently.  It's as if since having my children, I have a higher standard to achieve simply because I'm a mother now.  I have to be a good role model and set a good example - and that colors, influences, even taints everything else.  And there's no "off duty".  This Mom lens, it's always on.    

Obviously my kids weren't at that show.  Yet, as a Mom, I could see all the ways in which it was inappropriate for them.  It's an odd thing, really.  This new hat I wear that has taken over who I used to be.

In many ways I think it's better - that being a Mom has made me a better person.  Or at least, a more conscientious person.   At times, though, I don't even recognize the person I've become.  I seem so un-fun and stick-in-the-mud-ish.  (both real words, I assure you!)  I'm a big fat party pooper who has lost my accepting open-mindedness and my piggish sense of humor and replaced it with serious, grown-up responsibility and duty to my children.   

And they deserve that.  

I just wish I could lighten up a little.  

For them.  

Because they deserve that, too.

These are the moments!

Today was the kind of day I absolutely adore as a Mom.  

Last night was a late night getting the boys to bed so I was hoping that might afford me a rare moment to sleep in past 6 AM.  Ha!  I don't know what made me think THAT as I should have known better.  Alex is like a little alarm clock.  I could bake cookies on his predictability.  You can tell when it's been three hours since he ate, you are unable to forget if it's nap time, and when 6 AM rolls around, it doesn't matter if he went to sleep at 5:00, he'll be up and hungry at 6 o'clock sharp.  Nathaniel on the other hand, will sleep until he's gotten his 10 or so hours of sleep.  Again, predictable, but in a different way.  

So today Alex woke up ready to eat promptly at 6:00.  The perk today, though, was that it was just the two of us for almost 3 hours before he went down for his nap and his brother got up.  We got to play peek-a-boo, crawl around on the floor, sing songs, dance to CMT (country music videos), and snuggle with no interruptions or shared attentions.  With two kids in the house, that's a rare treat.  It's special for me, and necessary, I think, for them.

Since Alex had gotten up so early after going to bed so late, he was ready for his nap a little earlier than usual and so he was down for the count before Nathaniel got up at 9 AM.  Another rare opportunity to give Nate my full attention.  We ate breakfast at his little table together, each with our cereal and "coffee" (mine is actual coffee, of course, but Nate's special blend "coffee" consists of milk in a coffee mug).  We set up a highway to drive his cars on, shared a riveting story of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, chased ghosts, and ran from monsters.  And we snuggled while Nate played his new favorite game of "baby".  Which, if you know Bug well, you know snuggle time is a special treat in and of itself!  We even got to do our own little dance to CMT and when I tried to sing to my favorite CMT videos, Nate sweetly told me "No, you can't sing songs!  That's enough!".  It was pure bliss.  Really!  

It's days like these that feed my soul.  A sprinkle of little moments like these betwixt the chaos, the routine, and the everyday rigamaroar.  It's just enough to breathe wind into my sails and keep me going when the going gets tough. 

Now both my boys are up and rip roaring ready to go so I must go back to the balancing, splitting my time, and sharing my attentions in this tug of war to love my boys equally! 

Mother's Day

I have a mother's day post that I've been working on for a couple days only to find out that it's a lot harder to put these thoughts into writing than I guessed it would be. My brain is overloaded with so much stuff that I'm finding it hard to make sense of it. I figure if it's not flowing easily for me, than it would be torture for you guys to try and read, I'm sure. It was intended to share with you today but it will have to wait until I find the inspiration to put thoughts into comprehensible words, sentences and paragraphs.

However, today is Mother's Day so for all you who are mothers, aspire to be mothers, mother someone in your life, or at the very least HAVE mothers, read on.

Mother's Day has a deep and varied history. According to GoodSearch, the history of mother's day has roots in Greek and Roman mythology through ancient practices of honoring various Goddesses and the British celebration of "Mothering Day" that was brought over by the pilgrims. Its intentions haven't always been to honor actual mothers and rarely brought any material adoration with it until more recently. People celebrate Mother's Day around the world in various forms and on differing days. Even in America we tend to have our own individual traditions and expectations associated with the celebration of Mother's Day. Some people want to be pampered and lavished with presents and attention. Others want to be free to relax and be lazy for one day a year. Some mothers request for their children to flock around them and others prefer to be "off" for the day. It's a preference as different as we are mothers.

I took today to do what I always do, which is to be a mother, of course, and spend precious time with my boys. But today I was able to do so with fresh eyes and a deeper appreciation than the everyday allows me. I had some fantastic moments with my children today where it felt less like work and more like the true blessing that it is to be these boys' mother.

For starters, my husband let me sleep in today (which is a huge treat)! At 8:30 my oldest quietly crept into the bedroom, crawled up into bed with me and gently brushed my arm. When I didn't open my eyes, he simply pulled the covers up over his shoulders and laid down next to me. I pulled him close and took a deep breath. What a great way to wake up! After a delicious breakfast (made by Nathaniel and my husband), I got to play an impromptu (and NEW!) game of "coffee shop". Nathaniel came up to my table and ordered a cup of coffee, "with sugar". He then fished "money" out of his pocket to pay for his coffee, laid the "money" on the table and took his cup of "coffee" (milk in a plastic coffee cup) with a polite "thanks". When he had taken a sip and "finished" his drink, he came back and ordered a new cup saying, "more coffee, please?". I would "ring up" his order, say "45 cents, please", take his "money", give him his "change" and thank him. At one point he even told me it was hot and blew on the cup before he took a drink. What a fantastic game! Not only because it was completely made up in his little mind, but because with the exception of the table and his coffee mug, we needed no props. It was all in his imagination. From the money he paid with to the sipping and seemingly enjoying the freshly brewed joe I had just sold him. It's fantastic to see life through the eyes of my children. Later in the day Nathaniel disappeared in his bedroom and came out buck naked. When asked what he was doing and where his clothes were, he simply replied "I swimmin' in the ocean!"...then he proceeded to do the breaststroke across the living room floor. When we were done chuckling, we marveled in his creativity. He then lounged in all his naked glory on the couch with his hands behind his head, sighed, and said "I on the beach, in the sun!". I wish it were that easy now to transform our realities.


Alexander is suffering (and I do mean SUFFERING, poor thing) from a double whammy of Roseola and the vicious, evil that comes with TEETHING. He was inconsolable today unless he was eating, sleeping (for short bits at a time), or being held (but only if I was standing!). It was motherhood in the purest sense today as I struggled to find comfort for my poor Digger Fuzz Bucket. As much as I wish I could have waved my magic Mommy wand and made him feel better, it was nice to be needed and I rather enjoyed dancing with him to CMT and taking him with me everywhere I went. At least there was reassurance knowing he was comfortable in my arms even if I couldn't fix him.

So, as I end this Mother's Day, I hope you each had a fantastic day. I especially hope you felt special, loved, and truly appreciated for all that you do as Moms or made sure that your own mothers got this message from you.

Now it's late. I am going to go kiss my children, tuck them in a little tighter, and crash for the night.

Oh yeah...Me!

I realized shortly after "publishing" my last post that the idea behind "Hi, My Name Is..." was to introduce myself and it turns out, instead, that I rambled on and on about my boys - which is never a bad thing (to me!). What I think that really means is that I am defined by those that I love the most...my boys.

With that said, however, I realize that I am a person outside of them, as well. And that person is who I shall try to talk briefly about in this post.

Who is Shana? That's a good question, really. One that I've been trying to figure out for 32 years. (And one that could get entirely too complicated if I allowed it to, so I'll (try to) keep it simple.)

Obviously first and foremost I am a MOTHER. Above and beyond all the other roles I "play" in life and the titles I have been given, "Mother/Momma/Mommy/Mom" is my favorite. It is also, by far, the most difficult role I have to fill.

Being a Mom is my number one passion. I have dreamt about being a mother my whole life, hoped and longed for it, and take massive pride in the blessings I've been given and the "job" that's been entrusted to me. Being a Mom is definitely a roller coaster ride. With high, steep inclines, unexpected sharp drops and a loop-t-loop thrown in from time to time to keep things interesting. However, being a Mom has proven to be an internal energy source for me. Just when I don't think I can go on, one of my children smiles at me or asks, "Where'd the monster go?", and a second wind comes puffing by. For someone who has struggled with self esteem and inadequacy issues for as long as I can remember, there is a lot of pride and self-worth that comes with raising well behaved, polite, empathic children. (That's my goal, anyway - it's a little early to make the call on most of those!) Being a Mom is also the biggest challenge I've ever been charged with. To be honest, I'm not always sure I'm any good at it - who is sure of that, really? But I'm doing the best I can with the skills the good Lord gave me and for those other areas where I'm lacking, I hope against hope that it either doesn't matter in the bigger picture, or at the very least that my shortcomings don't hurt my boys too much in the long run.

Outside of my role as a Mom of two, I am a SISTER and a DAUGHTER. I have an amazing family with two loving parents who are as much a testament to true love, dedication, compromise, and commitment as any two people can be. I have a "little" big brother (he's bigger than me, but just "little" compared to most guys) and a "big" little sister (she's taller than me but younger) who are two of my best friends. When it comes to them, I waffle between laughing, scheming, venting, and thoroughly enjoying the friendship and history we share....and wanting to strangle them or smack them for being frustrating, or dense, or just plain aggravating. I wouldn't trade them for the world though. We've been partners in crime, best friends, and worst enemies (sometimes all in the span of 24 hours) but at the end of the day, they're family and they're are always there, unconditionally.

I am a WIFE and while I know that sometimes takes an unfortunate back seat to being a Mom, I try to remember the importance of focusing on that role as often as possible. Keeping the foundation of my family strong is very important to me. Without that foundation, everything would crumble. I try to remember to show my gratitude, appreciation, compassion, understanding, patience, compromise, sacrifice, and most of all love. And I hope never to take my husband for granted.

For 35 hours a week I play EMPLOYEE and while it's admittedly not my favorite place to be, it's undeniably important to my checkbook, my lifestyle, and my sanity. I enjoy the majority of what I do and realize that the rest comes with the territory of inevitable personality differences, administrative nuances, and plan old personal inadequacies. Obviously I don't like the parts of my job I either don't know very well or feel I'm not very good at. I'd be lying if I said it was 100% fabulous! At least it's a job I can feel good at contributing to. My work helps people somewhere, somehow.

And of course, I am a FRIEND. I have many friends. I've been very blessed in the friend arena. My friends are from all over, varied in background and interests, gathered and tendered from various schools, jobs, and places along the way. Some of them I've known forever. Some I've met only recently. Some I see rarely and others I am lucky enough to be able to see more often. I have friends I can shop with, friends I can laugh with, friends I can be silly with, friends I cry with, friends I openly complain to without judgement and friends who remind me to tweak my perspective or adjust my attitude when it's needed. All of them are absolutely wonderful and each one has a unique role in my life and a special place in my heart.

As you can see, my life is whole. I have been lucky enough to travel through life with magnificent company. I am never alone, nor am I ever lonely. I am truly blessed with a myriad of wonderful people surrounding me and supporting me. Each person brings something a little different to the table. I guess you could say my life is like a pot luck dinner. Everyone is invited and each person has their personal specialty to offer. So bring a dish to pass and prepare to pull up a chair!