Jes2cu:)

This is my beautiful friend, Jes.  To know her is to love her.  She always brought an infectious energy to the room.  Her laugh was unforgettable and her smile was as radiant as her spirit.  She taught me so much in life over the last 25 years of friendship.  (Jes even gave me the name for this blog many years ago in a conversation we had wherein she was commiserating with me about being the Mom of all boys.)  

Unfortunately, she has taught me a lot about death and loss, as well.  Jes passed away on August 4, 2017 from metastatic breast cancer.  She fought ridiculously hard to hold on for all who loved her - her friends, family, and mostly for her husband and three young boys.  But God wanted her home.

In the weeks that have followed I have found myself thinking of her constantly - even more than usual. I often find myself wishing she were here to ask a question of, give advice, or just hang out with a cup of coffee and a lesson on her latest craft.  What I've learned (the hard way) is that life is too damn short.  I know people say that all the time, but I guess I'm slow and stubborn and it took losing someone (my age!) who was (until recently) ALWAYS there when I needed her, to learn this lesson first hand.  

The problem is/was that I let life get in the way too often.  Looking back over emails, text messages or G-chats Jes and I would send back and forth, there was a resonating repetition in our messages.  "Let's get together when the weather gets better" or "the next couple weeks are crazy so let's try after the holidays" or "I miss you, when can I see you?" (with no response from one or the other of us for WEEKS or MONTHS to set up a date).  There was no conscious realization that we'd NOT have a chance to reschedule or NOT have a chance in the future to set something up LATER.  The unfortunate result of this was that I found myself saying, "I really thought we'd have more time",  A LOT at her bedside in Hospice and ultimately at her funeral.  

Well, time ran out.  And now I'm kicking myself for not making better use of the time we had.

Rewind a few years...

When Jes called me to tell me the devastating news she had just received, I remember getting off the phone and calling my mother - My Aunt had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer so I wanted to know how my Mom was helping her.  Through tears I asked my Mom, "What can I do!?!" and "How can I help?".  With the confident wisdom that only a mother can impart, she said the best thing to do was to let Jes know she wasn't alone and that I was here and thinking of her.  My mom did that for my Aunt by sending her cards to keep in touch.  

So I went out and bought a bunch of cards.  Thinking of you.  Miss you.  Friendship.  Get well soon.  You name it, I picked them up everywhere I went.  I stocked up on them in droves so I'd have just the card needed for just the right time.  At first I was good at sending them.  I'd drop Jes a card or a note or a text to tell her she was in my thoughts.  I'd let her know I was here if she needed anything.  But as time went on and as she seemed to be handling everything with the strength and ease I honestly expected from her anyway, I got lazy (?), complacent (?), COMFORTABLE with the idea that she was strong and would kick cancer's butt and be just FINE.  Meanwhile, LIFE got busy, my check-ins were met with a confident and positive Jes telling me things were good and scans were showing positive news.  Life continued to get in the way and before long it would be weeks or even months between my contact.  Like I said before, I really felt like TIME was on our side.  Boy was I was wrong.

So, as I walked around my house after Jes passed away I found myself staring at this stockpile of cards I had bought to send to her and wondered, "Now what?".  I totally screwed that up.  Now I had this visual reminder of what a crappy friend I had been and how short life really is.  I was remembering on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis how easily opportunities can slip away from you and how we DON'T always have MORE TIME.  

So, I decided to take that lesson and make sure I never took my friends and loved ones for granted again.  If I was thinking of them, I wanted them to know.  If they had done something I was grateful for, I was going to tell them.  As silly as it is, I didn't want anyone else to die without knowing exactly what they meant to me.

I started sending those cards I had stockpiled to friends and family (far and wide).  I sent them to friends I see often and those I haven't seen or talked to in ages.  A few at a time, every week or so I'd have the names of people that had crept into my thoughts throughout the week.  (My list is longer now than my stamp budget, but I'll get to everyone.  I promise.) 

Then I got a few texts or messages from friends saying they had received my card(s) and that it made them smile.  A couple friends mentioned that they had been having a bad day or a hellish week and that my card was just what they needed.  One friend even said that it meant a lot to know that she "mattered if in some small way" and that it was a "much needed pick me up...in this chaotic adult life that can be boring, routine, complicated and so very harsh".  THIS is exactly what I needed and just what I wanted to spread.  I want to make sure the people in my life who have made me who I am never question the impact they have on the world.  

So I decided to make this my mission (?) or project of sorts.  It's a work in progress but it makes me happy to spread smiles, I guess.  So I asked my sister to come up with a logo for my project.  I call it my "Jes2cu:)" (Just to see you smile) project.  

The "Jes" in the logo is Jes's actual signature which makes me happy every time I see it.  

And so I will spread love and smiles whenever I can, in honor of my beloved Jes.  It sucks that I had to learn this lesson by losing her.  But I hope to never make the mistake of letting a moment go by without letting the people I care most about know they are important and loved.  Every time I stick a stamp on a card being sent to someone special, I can almost see her beautiful smile!

Bundles of note cards I put together to give to friends so they, too, can spread the love to people THEY care about.  

When skies are grey...

Yesterday was a horrible day.  From the very beginning I was stressed, feeling ignored and struggling with the overwhelming tasks that lay before me, knowing I had but one day to accomplish them all.

Stress boiled over into a blow out with my husband and eventually I wound up on the back step reduced to a pile of tears with my head in my hands and a pit in my stomach.  It was a typical "how did I get here" type of moment.

It was then, at my lowest point, when I heard the sliding glass door slide open and my 4-year-old tentatively asked, "Mom?".

I turned around, trying to hide the tears and my puffy eyes.  I forced a crooked (fake) smile and realized he was walking down the stairs clutching an Elmo doll.  He handed me the fuzzy red monster and said, "here, this is for you...I thought Elmo could feel you better."  Then he quickly disappeared up the stairs and back inside.  *sigh.

Moments later, the door reopened and Alex reappeared.  He clamored down the stairs in his bare feet and said, "I forgot this."  He then hugged and kissed me and just as quickly disappeared inside again.

These "visits" continued for the next 15 minutes or so.  Each time he tip toed quietly down the stairs, he'd offer me a feel good token of some sort, study my face for the smile he was desperately trying to earn, then disappear.

On one visit, he brought me the music box from his bedroom to play music "to feel me better".  Then, he brought me two books (from which I could choose) - What Firefighters Do and Clifford's Apple Picking Day - only to leave them both for me anyway.  He brought me his favorite fuzzy blue snuggie, then thought I could use a pillow for my head.  Finally he handed me a notepad/giant pencil so I could "write a letter or sumfin".

Each visit was sweeter than the last.  My heart swelled.  My tears eventually dried.  My heartache all but faded.  My smile turned from forced and fake, to genuine.  

While I couldn't help but worry that a child his age shouldn't have to feel that way, see me cry, or be responsible for making me feel better...I couldn't help but marvel at his empathy.  His loving care.  Just when Alex drives me to the brink with his bad behavior and current tenuous stages, he reminds me that deep down, he really is a sweet kid.  A caring, loving boy with a heart of gold and a kindness unmatched by many ten times his age.  Thank you, Boo, for showing me the unconditional love of a darling child.  Thank you for being MY precious boy.

Sunshine via Text Message

Throughout the day, my husband will send me photos/messages of the boys via his cell phone.

It might be a "bad hair day":

  

a cute face they're making while napping:

 

"lunch time shenanigans":

  

something silly they're doing. 

 

a smile to say "hi" (and brighten my day!):

 

Or just a random message:

It doesn't matter what it is, it brings a smile to my face and totally makes my day!  These little snippets into their day are just the sunshine I need to get through a normal hum drum day inside the gray walls of my 6x8 bulletin board/cubicle.  I love hearing that they're happy, seeing what they're up to, and knowing that I'm missed while I'm working.  Thanks, honey for thinking of me throughout the day!  I know you don't always openly embrace this "technology crap", but I hope you know how much it means to me!!

Happiness is...

sharing an old classic with a new generation!

And finding said classic at a barn sale for $1 makes me downright giddy!!!  I loved this game as a kid so when I saw this last weekend, I was thrilled to scoop it up and bring it home.  Who knew my kids would spend hours dropping the marbles in the holes, sinking them, and dumping them out again to start all over.  I got the added joy of playing some kick butt games of Stay Alive with my sister this weekend!  Who doesn't love a little flash from the past?!?!

Happiness is...

the peace that a pile of dirt and some sand toys brings.

I love when my boys play nicely together.  Even if they're not interacting with one another, the silence is golden.  For 5 or 10, or sometimes even 15 minutes I get these moments where I can peacefully fold laundry at the back door or wash dishes at the kitchen sink and look out on the boys just doing what boys do.  Playing, getting dirty, exploring their worlds.  It's glorious.  Of course it often ends abruptly with one (or both) of them running to the door screaming "Mommy!" with a story of what the other one did to them...but until that happens, it is pure bliss.

Happiness is...

freshly baked cookies!!!

Hand stirred (and sampled) with love.

Patiently attended and supervised.

Watching them grow "bigger and bigger!"

Fresh baked cookies don't necessarily make me happy just because of the deliciousness factor (though that certainly helps!).  But for me, the ability to offer my kids the opportunity to make cookies means that things are starting to feel more like home around here.  For weeks Nathaniel would ask if we could bake cookies and I had to keep telling him that we couldn't (the ingredients were packed, the stove was disconnected, we had to buy a new stove, etc.).  Having our new stove hooked up, functional, and able to cook something as basic as cookies for my boys as a feel good treat on a chilly summer night...now that's happiness. 

Happiness is...

fresh blueberries!!

Oh how I love fresh berries in the summer.  Blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries...you name it!  I love berries!  I love picking them, I love cooking with them, and I especially love eating them!

As I was eating these simple treats, I stopped to enjoy them and realized how happy and content I was eating them so I felt compelled to then take photos of these tiny little purple jewels.

Just another reason why I love summer...fresh blueberries to mix in my yogurt, garnish cereal with, or just plain munch on.  Yum, yum, yum!  

Happiness is...

fresh strawberries during strawberry season!


It was always a tradition of ours for my Mom and I to go strawberry picking during strawberry season.  I always remembered it was time to go because strawberry season falls on or around my birthday.  Even in college I'd meet my Mom at the strawberry fields with a basket, bucket, or bowl in hand (except those many times when I forgot one and she had knowingly brought two!).  We'd eat pick our fair share of fresh, juicy ripe strawberries.  Ok, I'd eat them and Mom would yell at me.  I remember one year I brought my step-son, Nick, to join us and my Mom kept telling me I was setting a bad example for him by eating them.  I couldn't help it.  I volunteered to be weighed when I left and pay for the amount I ate, but somehow it doesn't work that way.

Anyway, since my wee ones came along, this little tradition has fallen by the wayside.  I look forward to being able to introduce them to this fun little task someday soon.  However, this year was not that day.  So, Dave and I stopped at a local farm market and bought fresh-picked strawberries instead.  There were so many of them that a couple days in they were starting to look all sad and pathetic so I decided we needed to use them up.

I enlisted some eager helpers and we they got to work.

Apparently we had a few quality control tasters on staff, too.

Then we Nate mashed those bad boys up...

to make this for dinner:

It was delicious!  Yum!  This makes me want to stop by a farm market again tomorrow to see if there are any strawberries left to pick!!!  I can't wait to bring the boys!

Happiness is...

...a visit from the Scoops guy!

Oh how I love the ice cream truck that drives by in the summer.  The clang, clang, clang of his bell makes me giddy.  Unfortunately (?) I have Nate trained to run when he hears the ringing.

Ring, Ring, Ring

Nate gasps and looks at me with excitement in his eyes.

I yell, "Let's go!", as I scoop up Alex.

We grab and run - usually without shoes.

Although, today it was without shoes or PJs.  (Nate had only his boxers on and Alex was sporting nothing more than a diaper, but oh well.)

We can't afford to miss a summer evening out on the front step dripping in ice cream stickiness.  It's much too good.

And much too fun.

And sinful.

And delicious!  

And oh, what a mess....

What a glorious mess!

A mess that we will build memories in.

A mess that's 100% washable...

...and 110% unforgettable!

This is one mess and memory I will miss when we move away from a neighborhood that sports a Scoops ice cream truck.