Black Cloud

It's been months since I posted anything here.  It's not because there hasn't been anything noteworthy happening.  Quite the opposite, actually.  We've had big stuff going on.  Lots of firsts to report.  Memories made, big adventures to share.  It certainly isn't that I haven't had the words running around in my head.  Lord knows I am never in short supply of random thoughts, worries, concerns, memories I want to remember and stories I'm itching to share.

What I'm lacking (lately) is clarity.  Focus.  The want and desire is there...but the follow through and the coherent thought and motivation needed to get the words out is conveniently missing.

Today, however, was one of those days.  One of those days that compounds everything I've been feeling for months and makes it bubble over.  I've had many of these days lately, but today had a face (or faces), and stories of sadness, loss, and heartache.  So many friends suffering.  So many of my friends receiving bad news and struggling through their own journeys.

And it wasn't just close, personal friends, it was friends of friends.  National news stories.  Local news stories.  So much pain and sorrow.  Marital conflict, messy, ugly divorces, freak accidents, untimely deaths, health issues in babies too young to know even have a start in life, tragic losses and horrible circumstances that make you question God, people, society....everything.  

Today was a Bad News Day.

As I sit here typing this, Alex is laying in my lap sleeping.  I look down at him and can't help but count my blessings.  Sure I've got my fair share of issues.  Stuff is far from perfect in my world...but my family is all HERE, we're all HEALTHY, and SAFE.

Life is short and fragile.  That's for sure.  It's my one hope that while I'm here I can make a difference, leave my mark, and create a legacy of some sort that lives on long after I'm gone.  If I can do that, then I will have done my part.  Until then, I'm off to hug my babies just a little tighter.  I suggest you do the same.

Friendship Friday...Part One

I had an interesting conversation with Heidi the other night about friendship that really got me thinking.  My brain churned about this all night and I had hoped to write a whole reflective post about friendship yesterday.  However, I'm finding that I can't quite get my thoughts out on paper coherently and say what I want in a meaningful way.  I'm struggling with how to define friendship.  What does it mean to be a friend?  How does friendship differ from friend to friend?  Am I the best friend I can be?  I would definitely consider myself to be inherently blessed in the friend department.   But how did I get so lucky?  And should this excessive luck concern me that the bottom could fall out at any time?

So instead of getting too deep and rambling on too much about my conflicting philosophical thoughts, I thought I'd start small.  Take a small bite out of this topic.  Then at least I'd be starting somewhere to try and sort things out through a series of posts that hopefully will bring some clarity to what I'm trying to express in the end.

So, I found this quote on the internet and it rings very true. 

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.

~Author Unknown

Friendship isn't about being big, or noticeable, or stealing the spotlight.  It's just there - constantly providing support and gentle encouragement from behind the scenes.  It's not about the grand gestures or the profound statements, it's the small and subtle actions that steal the show. 

But just as with any relationship, I think true friendship requires work.  Constant dilligence to keep things fed and nourished and fresh.  The great thing about true friends is that any efforts made on behalf of the friendship don't feel like work at all.  Friendship is very rewarding and incredibly worth the investment you make. 

Getting Old

Last week I went to see Spring Awakening at the RBTL.  I have season passes and this was one of the shows in the line-up.  Let me start by saying that the music was fantastic...but I didn't quite get the story.  I mean, I tend to think I'm pretty intelligent, but there were times I was a little lost.  Of course, I understand it was about heavy stuff.  Set in Germany in 1891, the teenagers in the play were struggling with their sexuality, trying to balance their desires with what was being taught to them by an overly oppressive society.  There are issues of violence, suicide, even abortion.  It's pretty deep.  The problem I had was that it was a little too much - too heavy, too racy.  Even for me.

That's where I start to feel old.  Seriously, I used to be hip, cool, even adventurous.  Now, though...I don't know.  It's like I've lost my edge.  I was physically uncomfortable watching this show at times -what with the show's language (*gasp*) and NUDITY (*GASP*) and all.  

I hate to say it but it seems since I've become a mother, I've turned into a PRUDE!  

I can't help it though.  Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I do, I'm looking through this new Mom lens.  I see things differently.  It's as if since having my children, I have a higher standard to achieve simply because I'm a mother now.  I have to be a good role model and set a good example - and that colors, influences, even taints everything else.  And there's no "off duty".  This Mom lens, it's always on.    

Obviously my kids weren't at that show.  Yet, as a Mom, I could see all the ways in which it was inappropriate for them.  It's an odd thing, really.  This new hat I wear that has taken over who I used to be.

In many ways I think it's better - that being a Mom has made me a better person.  Or at least, a more conscientious person.   At times, though, I don't even recognize the person I've become.  I seem so un-fun and stick-in-the-mud-ish.  (both real words, I assure you!)  I'm a big fat party pooper who has lost my accepting open-mindedness and my piggish sense of humor and replaced it with serious, grown-up responsibility and duty to my children.   

And they deserve that.  

I just wish I could lighten up a little.  

For them.  

Because they deserve that, too.