#thisis40

As much as I wish I could change it, I will turn 40 in ten days.  Ten Days until I turn the big 4-0.  I'm trying to be positive and embrace the number.  Really, I am.  I am doing my best to channel my BFF and focus on my many blessings.  I attempt every day to remember accomplishments made over the past 14,600 days.

I'm struggling though.  2016 has been the year of all my friends turning 40.  They all seem to be embracing it.  So many of my friends have been posting photos taken on fabulous trips to exotic places to commemorate their 40th.  They've taken on big goals, done amazing things, accomplished fascinating dreams, or simply just embraced the fabulous people they are.  All under the hashtag, "thisis40".  It has me really trying to figure out, what is 40 for ME?  I'm not planning any trips anywhere amazing.  I haven't accomplished any grand dream or even made a huge impact on the world around me.  I'm not even sure what I want to be when I grow up yet.

When I was in my 20s people older than me would tell me when I got to be in my 30s and 40s I'd care less what people think, I'd find a self confidence I was then lacking.  Forty sounded so liberating.  I always figured by my thirties and forties I would finally know who I am, what I was supposed to do in this world and where I belonged.  I am so not there.

Forty has me physically out of shape, emotionally exhausted and seemingly messing up everything I touch.  My house is a mess, my brain is just as cluttered, and I never quite have it all together.  This isn't the grace and style I was hoping to have by now.  

Will I ever get there?  I guess I have 10 days to figure that out.  Wish me luck.    

Double Digits

In the blink of an eye my Bug has turned 10.  While I can't imagine my life without him in it, it seems impossible to think that he has been in my world for a whole decade!

Three years ago, when he was turning seven, I wrote the following:

"Suddenly, you appear before me, this boy who can make his own lunches and get himself ready for school.  You have friends and a social schedule and plans that aren't always mine.  You have homework and chores and responsibilities that you take care of with some gentle reminding.  You're mature, and polite, and kind.  Temper tantrums have begun to give way and therefore have made time for more philosophical conversations and fun play.  As if out of nowhere, you know things - smart things - that I didn't teach you.  You read and learn and listen and soak in the world around you - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  You worry more.  You parent a lot.  You fight like heck for the little person but forget to stand up for the person you should be protecting the most (you!)."

It hasn't changed at all.  Nate is still my independent, mature, and responsible "old man".  He follows the rules and makes sure everyone else does, too.  He's helpful and kind.  

He is smart and has brilliant ideas and actual opinions about important stuff.  At nine he thinks more about other people and their feelings than most adults I know.  He's raised money for the ASPCA, studies about World War II like it's his job, and even started a business, Inventors, Inc.  He's written bylaws for his business, and has a "staff" of 14 of his classmates.  He even asked his school principal if he could set up a table for his business at the PTSA's Family Fun Night next month.  

Nate reads everything he can get his hands on.  When I'm having a bad day or am beyond frustrated with his little brother's behavior, he is the first to offer a hug, a kiss or will make me a cup of tea just to ease the tension.  His imagination is still stellar and he'll disappear into scenes in his mind.  It's fascinating.  

As a 4th-grader he's still singing in chorus, taken up playing the trumpet, gotten braces, and still lives and breathes fire fighting. He's gotten really good at cooking.  Thanks to loving friends and family, he has a few cookbooks from which he'll pick a recipe and go to town.  He's made some delicious meals and desserts!    

He is definitely a one of a kind kid.  I don't know how I got so lucky to be his Mom...but I cherish every moment!

Therapy

I have had an overwhelming need to write lately.  Not about anything profound or even all that important...just to "talk" in an effort to purge the words, emotions, and thoughts in my head.  I miss it.  I miss sharing our stories and photos and adventures.  It's not that we haven't had anything to share...it's quite the opposite, actually.  We've been so busy I haven't had the TIME to share.

And that makes me sad.  As I've mentioned before, so many moments have fallen through the cracks in my memory.  So many stories have gone untold and will undoubtedly be forgotten until such time in the distant future when some random event sparks a flicker of remembrance.  Even then the memory will be fleeting, as many of my memories are these days.

As I sit here in my new pink camo recliner the wood stove is cranking at about 80 degrees.  My wine, which was once chilled, is now lukewarm and my cat is insisting on garnering all of my attention.

Nate will be turning 10 (!) in less than 2 weeks and Dave and I are trying to plan a special trip to commemorate this big birthday (double digits!).  I figured at 10 he's over the whole "party" thing (or at least I am!).  So instead of spending the money to have a magician come entertain 20 of his "closest" friends, we're looking to provide an adventure and build some lifelong memories.  In true Nate fashion, we're going to bring him to NYC to tour the 9/11 memorial and maybe visit FDNY.  It'll be perfect for our little Fire Bug.  I cant' wait!  I hope he doesn't miss out too much on the chance to celebrate with his friends, but I want to make it special in a new way this year.

Two, Four, Six, EIGHT...who do we appreciate?!?!?! NATE!

I know people say it all the time, and I, myself, bemoan the passage of time all too often, but seriously...WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!?!  Today, my first born...the little man that made me a MOM, is 8 years old (!).  I can't help but still think of him as that strong-willed, independent little 2-year-old, or that pig-headed, determined little 3-year-old, or that smart, ingenious, and imaginative, 4,5, or 6-year-old.  Even looking back on him last year at this time, he was a totally different Bug.  His toothless grin has been replaced by adult teeth and a taller, more mature little MAN face. 

Suddenly, he is responsible, reliable, capable, and far too old to be caught dead getting kisses from his Mama.  His favorite response to "I love you", "I missed you", or "Have a great day!" is..."Ok.".  Doing anything with his baby brother in tow is suddenly "embarrassing".  And he rebels against any and everything that might portray him to be a "baby" of any kind (going to bed before 8 PM, having to sit with his brother, holding my hand anywhere outside the house, etc.).

Nate is such an old man, too.  He's curmudgeon-y, cranky, and loves to grumble.  He'll be the first one to curse Mother Nature if it's too cold or snows too much.  He even got mad at the school administrators once for "making young children stand out in the cold to wait for the bus".  He loves to parent everyone (especially the dogs and his brother!).  And rules are his best friends....stray from them at all and he's thrown for a loop and doesn't quite know how to cope.  He tends to be a bit of a perfectionist and the slightest hurdle or bump in the road sends his self esteem into a tailspin.  At eight, we're learning a lot about being more positive, handling stress with more grace, and utilizing some coping skills that he forgets all too quickly when things don't go his way.

I look back on pictures of Nate from years ago and can't help but feel a pang of sadness at how quickly he's growing up.  I miss that blanket sniffing, crazy ensemble wearing, free spirit!  But I am also ridiculously proud of the sweet, sensitive, smart, and responsible young man he is becoming. 

Now, do me a favor, Nate....Slow DOWN!  

Happy birthday, Bug-a-boo!

Seven

Dear Bug, er, Nate,

As I sit here, in the dark, in the last few minutes before the clock ticks away the precious few remaining moments of you being just SIX, I think of you.  You are soundly sleeping in the other room.  Your sweet snores remind me that you are near and tell me you are in peaceful slumber, dreaming pleasantly of ladder trucks and cookie cakes, I hope.

Seven to me seems like such a big number.  Such an impossibly large number.  How is it that you became SEVEN in the mere blink of an eye?  It's also a scary number.  It seems like seven is so much closer to the real world.  One step closer to the harsh realities of hurt, disappointment, danger, life lessons, and fear.  One step farther away from the safety of my arms.

Suddenly, you appear before me, this boy who can make his own lunches and get himself ready for school.  You have friends and a social schedule and plans that aren't always mine.  You have homework and chores and responsibilities that you take care of with some gentle reminding.  You're mature, and polite, and kind.  Temper tantrums have begun to give way and therefore have made time for more philosophical conversations and fun play.  As if out of nowhere, you know things - smart things - that I didn't teach you.  You read and learn and listen and soak in the world around you - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  You worry more.  You parent a lot.  You fight like heck for the little person but forget to stand up for the person you should be protecting the most (you!).

I often miss the little boy you were, but I have to stop myself and focus on the amazing young MAN you are becoming.  You are strong, independent, funny, caring, kind, creative, loving, witty, smart, and incredibly handsome!!  I am so proud to be your Mom and blessed to have you in my heart and in my world every single minute of the last seven years!!  Happy birthday, Bug!

P.S.  Now, can you slow down this growing up thing, a little...for ME?  Please?  :)

A Snapshot in Time

Dear Alex,

Today is your 4th birthday.  I can hardly believe the amazing little man you have blossomed into in 4 short years.  You started pre-kindergarten a few weeks ago and today you will get on the bus to go to school for the very first time!  Your excitement to ride the bus with your big brother is infectious!

Time goes way too fast, of course, so I want to make sure to capture all the little things about you that change and disappear so quickly!

 

I love the little "flaws" in your speech.  You speak very clearly and maturely for your age, but it's the little things like how you say your "l" as a "y" (for example, the other day we were walking up the stairs behind Nate and you yelled, "Move it or USE it, Nate!") that I love!!  It's especially adorable to hear you say "upsy-side down" or how you call McDonald's "Old McDonald's".

You are truly my "shadow"...my little "velcro-boy".  It gets frustrating when I have stuff to get done or I'm trying to get out of the house to go to work, but truth be told, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Bedtime is still a struggle in that you have to be attached to me in order to settle down and go to sleep.  The snuggle time is priceless though!  When I'm heading out the door in the morning, you request hug after hug after hug and will follow me out the door yelling "I love you, Mommy!",  "Have a good day!", "Watch out for wart hogs!"...all while blowing me a hundred kisses and telling me how much you'll miss me.  Truly heart melting.

I love how you tell me "I love you, Mommy...and I never, NEVER hate you!" at least once a day.

You love to build things, create things, and take things apart.  You brought me a toy the other day that had been broken for as long as I can remember.  At some point it had lost a screw and you had found one (somewhere!) and used the screwdriver you got in your toolbox at Christmas to fix it.  Daddy came in one day to find you taking the door latch off your bedroom door.

On one hand you are very independent, wanting to get your own breakfast, help out with dinner or fold your own laundry.  On the other hand you know just where to "play me" and will insist you need help getting dressed, putting on your shoes, or brushing your teeth.

You truly are my sunshine.  You are insanely adorable, charming, and a bit manipulative.  You know exactly how to get your way and how to use your charms for good (AND evil!)  :)

You LOVE to get dirty.  You are always playing ball, digging in dirt, or getting wet any way you can.

You still pick fuzz from your blanket when you're tired.  

You are so funny, silly and goofy and have such a fun-loving, crazy, fearless, monkey side. 

 

For a kid your age, you are very patriotic.  You are often overheard singing the Star Spangled Banner.  You can recite the Pledge of Allegiance in your sleep.  And one of your favorite lullabies at bedtime is God Bless the USA, which you know all the words to.

You are a special little boy, Boo.  I love your spirit and the sheer joy you radiate!  I know we've had our fair share of power struggles this past third year of your life.  I look forward to your 4th year to see how you grow, learn, and (*gulp) change even more.  Remember that you will ALWAYS be my little boy.  Your snuggles will never get old, your smile will never fail to make me warm inside and out, and you'll always be my favorite Alex!  I love you to the ends of the earth!

Nearly Four

Alex's birthday is rounding the corner.

Quickly, he is closing in on FOUR.  I can hardly believe it!

Yesterday we celebrated his birthday together with my nephew, Ian (who turned 2 last Friday).  It was a small gathering but I rather enjoyed it.  MUCH less stress than the larger scale get-togethers.  Of course, I'd love to be able to host ALL my friends and both sides of the family but it just gets to be too much.  This year, Dave had to work so I knew I'd be going it alone.  So, instead, I opted to go in with my sister-in-law and make it a joint party with my nephew since we generally have the same crowd at both celebrations, one week apart.  

Since both boys love WHEELS and all things WITH wheels, we went with a tractor theme.  

Some of our most favorite people were there!

Alex was spoiled with goodies (a soccer ball/net, basketball, football, art/craft stuff, and a "Cuddle Cuddleuppet", among other fabulous treasures)! 

It's nice that (most of) the kids are finally to an age where they can play together, roam free, and the adults have a minute to talk between the noise.  

In attendance were my sister and my nieces, my sister-in-law and my nephew (obviously!), my parents, and my two best friends, Pam & Tiff and their kiddos.  Together we have a 1-year-old (my niece, Coraleigh will be one in a couple weeks anyway), a 2-year-old (my nephew, Ian), a 3-year-old (Pam's Brianna), two 4-year-olds (my Alex - on Thursday, anyway - and my niece, Kensington), a 5-year-old (Pam's Shawn), and two 6-year-olds (my Nate and Tiff's Brielle).  It makes for crazy chaos but I love every minute of it.  Such fun!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday dear Alex & Ian!

Happy birthday to you!

Make a wish!

And BLOW!

Aunt Wendy made the delicious cupcakes and even made gluten-free vanilla ones for Alex!

It was a great celebration of two special boys.  I can't wait to celebrate my Boo's actual birthday on Thursday!  Here's to Birthday Week 2012!  :)

Six

6 years ago today my itty bitty Bug was born.

Weighing 7lbs, 12 oz. he was such a tiny little bundle of inexpressible joy, love and (for me) fear.

His personality has always been 10 times bigger than his britches.

Even now, at 6, that's no different.

Nate is just as LOUD as he is noticeably silent.  He's both cheerful and happy, and equally miserable and cranky.


For as driven and ambitious as he is (when he wants to be), he can be just as frustratingly stubborn and lazy.

His emotions, his actions, his expressions, moods, even his level of cooperation run at very contrasting extremes, almost constantly.


And he's insanely creative, hysterically funny, wildly imaginative, expressive, passionate, sensitive, completely lovable, and 110% awesome!


As he gets bigger and bigger, I do miss the little boy he was.  The "fwey" (pacifier) sucking, blanket sniffing, costume dressing, temper tantrum throwing toddler he once was is long gone.  

But in his place, I get a story telling, crazy singing, tooth-losing, capable, helpful, self-sufficient little MAN who can READ and WRITE and do MATH!!  

And I wouldn't trade that for anything.  

Happy 6th birthday, Bug (a-Boo)!!