Words do not adequately express...

As I sit here trying to compile a summary of 2012 for the "books", I am struggling to see much of anything beyond the last couple of emotionally charged weeks.

I try to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive (I HAVE to or I'd plunge headlong into my deep dark hole of depression, especially this time of year!) but in light of recent events, it's significantly more challenging to do so.  Suddenly, compiling a list of favorite photos, resolutions for the new year, or special stories from the past year seems so trivial.

The tragic circumstances that unfolded at Sandy Hook Elementary on that fateful December day in Connecticut shook my sense of security and threatened my faith in humanity.  As the mother of 6-year-old myself, I could see my dear, sweet, Bug in the faces, stories, and names of those precious children who lost their lives that day.  That little boy who bravely announced "I know karate" and said he would "lead the way out" to safety...that was so something Nathaniel would do/say.  My little firefighter would surely set up a control center to save the day!  It tore at my heart to think of those parents who put their babies on a school bus that morning and would never see them bouncing off the  bus and down the driveway at the end of the day.  Or ever again.

Then I woke up on the morning of Christmas Eve.  Excitement for the upcoming family time, Santa's arrival, and the new treasures to behold saturated the air.  Opening up my laptop and checking in with friends on FB, I learned that tragedy had struck again.  This time in my backyard.  Evil had made its way into my little world.  Suddenly it wasn't just a headline on Yahoo! or a ticker running on Fox News.  This was people I knew, members of a "family" I am a part of.

A madman had decided to shift the world's axis by setting a fire at his home, and laying in wait to open fire on the first responders as they arrived to answer the call for help.  I read the updates from friends and family in the public safety community and tried to make sense of it all.  Information trickled in.  Conflicting accounts were received from all directions.  Slowly the details emerged - two firefighters had been shot and killed, two more wounded, and a police officer had been injured before the gunman turned the gun on himself.  Seven homes were destroyed as the fire the crews were responding to continued to burn.  Seven more families affected.  Seven more families who lost everything.

My husband has been a 9-1-1 police dispatcher at the Monroe County Emergency Communications Department for nearly 27 years.  My parents served the community as EMTs for Hilton Ambulance for more than a decade.  My husband, my two step-sons, and many friends and family are proud members of local fire departments and wear many hats in various other public safety arenas, both paid and volunteer - paramedics, EMTs, firefighters, police officers, dispatchers and more.  Therefore, this incident struck close to home, both geographically and emotionally.

As my husband responded to work that Christmas Eve morning, to lend a hand with the extra call volumes at 9-1-1, he learned that one of the two firefighters killed at the scene was a 19-year-old coworker on his shift.  Tomasz Kaczowka was fresh out of high school, so young and barely given a shot at life.  He died doing what he loved most and left behind a closely knit polish family who now struggles with how to go on without him.  Lt. Mike ("Chip") Chiapperini  had a long career as a firefighter and past Chief with West Webster and Lieutenant with Webster Police.  He was a mentor to many and left behind a wife, two small girls, a son, and a legacy of helpfulness and giving that anyone could be inspired by.

The challenge in all of this has been in helping my little fireBug process this tragedy.  As a 6-year-old born to serve in public safety someday, Nate has taken all of this very hard.  I'm not sure he necessarily gets it in its entirety...but he definitely understands that many people are sad, lives have been lost, and heroes are being recognized by an amazing brotherhood of firefighters from all over the country and the world.

I've been trying to follow his lead.  I've given him the option of watching the tributes, seeing the photos, reading the stories.  When he's had enough he goes to his room to play, turns on the Disney channel in the other room, or sits quietly with me.  We've talked (though he doesn't say much) and he knows no question is a silly question, no concern is a small one.  Any questions he may have or feelings that might arise are fair game, 24/7.  I hope that's enough.

As we watched the funeral of Lt. Chiapperini yesterday, Nate watched silently.  He would look at his father and I, seemingly to gauge our reactions so he could then adjust his own.  Every once in a while, he would turn away, resuming play at his personal emergency fire scene (set up with his matchbox cars and Playmobil guys).  Then, in his best 6-year-old tribute, he lined his fire guys up in front of the TV.  One by one, he placed them purposefully, with honor and intent to pay their respects to the fallen hero.  My heart swelled with pride at his simple, innocent gesture.

Nate's a smart little guy.  He feels strongly, deeply and is wise beyond his years.  The born firefighter instincts in him are undeniable and with his recent anxieties and realities of death and dying, I don't want to over do this heavy experience.  But I also don't want to deny him a grieving process I think he has a right to and needs.  He's seen his Daddy cry more in the last week than ever.  Everywhere we go our friends and family have been affected by this tragedy.  However, it is my hope that he doesn't just see and feel the sadness and extreme loss left behind by our fallen heroes.  Instead I hope to impart in him the amazing generosity, heart warming camaraderie, and extreme kindness that has been displayed by our community here and across the nation.

I joined the FB page Prayers and Support for Webster Firefighters and have been moved daily by the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement.  People throughout the community and across the nation have stepped forward with donations of hotel rooms, gift cards, and more for the first responders coming to our area for the services this weekend.  Strangers have bought rounds of drinks, paid for meals, and delivered food and tokens of gratitude to their local public safety agencies.  It has been truly amazing.  I encourage you to check out the page to see some of the most heart wrenching and inspirational stories and photos shared from all over the country.  It's awe inspiring.

I could go on and on, sharing stories of pain and loss, hope and inspiration, but I've been rambling on long enough (without any clear direction) so I shall end with this:

These are words shared at the funerals of Chip and Tomasz that struck me every time I heard then and that speak volumes about the intense brotherhood suffering from this great loss:

"Rest easy Brothers...We'll take it from here."

Wordless Wednesday...Big Boots to Fill

Alex - August 2012
FHM Fire Training
He wanted so badly to be with the big guys.

Pride

We attended our first fire department banquet the other night.  I wasn't sure what to expect but it was a lot of fun.  The highlight of the night, of course, was Dave winning two awards.  

The first was for Most Active in Company Training.  

Then, much to both our surprise, Dave was given the Chief's Award for his help and assistance with firematic duties.  

The best part, though, came when the boys got home to see Daddy's awards.

Nate was so excited and in complete awe of Daddy's achievements.

He was so proud of his father and I loved seeing the gleam in his eye.

Of course within minutes, (as fully expected!) Nate asked if he could put these prized possessions on the collection shelf in his room.  

So Daddy obliged.  

As I left the room, I heard Nate whisper "I'm so proud of you, Daddy" as he kissed the plaque on the wall.  *sigh*  So precious.

Bursting with Pride

Today, as we honor and remember the 10th anniversary of the tragic events of 9/11, my heart is bursting with pride.

Pride for a country united - for a much needed breath of life to our country's patriotism.

Pride for somber remembrances and unthinkable forgiveness rising from the ashes of seemingly insurmountable grief and loss.

Pride for stories of hope and perseverance after such tragedy.

And pride for my 5-year-old firefighter who showed me today that you don't have to be big...to make a BIG difference.

The Brockport Fire Department held their 10th annual Vigil & Honor Guard at their 9/11 Firefighter's Memorial Monument.  I am sorry to say I've never made it to any part of this 12-hour long vigil with ceremonies at Noon ad 7 PM.  This year I promised Nathaniel we'd go to honor his fallen "brothers in arms".

At 5, I felt he was ready for a briefing on what 9/11 means to us.  I gave him a brief history of the events that transpired that day, punctuated by the key points that A LOT of people died that day, and 343 firefighters lost their lives trying to save people.

At the vigil, firefighters from across the county come to stand guard at the Memorial Monument for 10 minute "shifts".  Nate decided he wanted to stand guard with Daddy.  So he did.

There was a moving display of support by more than 600 motorcyclists who paraded through town.

Followed by a beautiful ceremony that was well-attended by the community.

It was then that duty kicked in for Nate and he decided he wanted to stand honor guard another shift.

And stand he did.  He stood so still and so proud, I could not have BEEN more proud of him.  For a little guy who barely sits still, not talking, goofing off, or moving for 10 whole minutes is a giant feat!  

A veteran came up to me while he stood guard and held up a crippled arm he received fighting for our freedoms.  He then told me seeing Nate stand up there with the other honor guards that day made it all worth it.

The respect he displayed and the maturity he demonstrated will forever be etched in my mind and on my heart.  I literally had tears in my eyes as I watched him stand there today.

Following his "shift", John Merklinger, Director of the 9-1-1 Center where Daddy works (who also stood guard with Nate), pulled him aside and presented him with his very own 9-1-1 Challenge coin saying that it was the only thing he needed to be prepared for the future that awaited him.

The Brockport Firefighter Nathaniel stood guard with also presented him with an official commemorative 9-11 coin, shook his hand, and thanked him.  To say these are now his most prized possessions is an understatement of grand proportions.

I can go on and on about how proud I am of my Bug.  There simply are no words. 

Simple Woman's Daybook...April 5, 2011

FOR TODAY...April 5, 2011

Outside my window...it’s a typical gray April day.  Cold, rainy, ick.  We had a nice warm (yet breezy) day yesterday so it was a sprig of hope that Spring is coming…

I am thinking...more wondering, actually, when enough is enough.  After (another) failed attempt at reaching out to a friend of mine who for some reason has totally written me off, I’m beginning to think it’s time to just move on.  While I have NO idea what went wrong or where I zigged so badly while she zagged, it’s just gotten too hard to invest so much emotion and energy into something that obviously is one sided.  It makes me sad, but dwelling on it hurts too much, so perhaps it’s time to just carry on - time to stop stressing and wondering and worrying.  Perhaps it’s simply time to stop trying.  

I am thankful for...the friends I do have.  The ones I know are true and real and lifelong.  I’ve been super blessed in that department and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them to (constantly) lift me up and make me a better person.

From the kitchen...there is very little until we do some grocery shopping.  Since returning from Oregon, we have not done any grocery shopping so our cupboards are pretty bare.  I hope to stock up on healthy options to assist with my desire (NEED!) to lose some weight!

I am wearing...my iPod to block out distractions and give me some peace.  

I am remembering...the details of my FABULOUS trip to Oregon last week.  I am trying to write them all down so I can put photos to them and get some of my thoughts/memories on my blog before I lose it all!  

I am going...to finish and post the (many) drafts I have started and don’t want to forget…I have a (1/2 birthday) memory post started for Alex, too.   He has so many little quirks at his age that are fleeting too quickly and I want to capture.  

I am hoping...to get my house back into shape this weekend.  There is so much to do to catch up from while we were away…laundry, cleaning, organizing, etc.  

I am hearing...a random mix of tunes from my iPod (Foreigner, Eric Church, various show Soundtracks, New Kids, Nic Cowan, etc.)  

Pondering these words...“Save your strength for things that you can change, forgive the ones you can’t…you gotta let it go.”  - Zac Brown Band, Let it Go

Around the house...lots to do.  We just got 6 chicks that need care (and protection from little hands!). Dave is in the process of building them a chicken coop because they get more and more ambitious every day and are trying very hard to escape their current digs.

On my mind...changes.  There seem to be a lot of them lately - Changes in season - Changes in schedules/routine - Changes at work that could greatly impact my current comfort level.  

Noticing that...we live in a beautiful country.  I loved traveling to see new places and new things.  There were so many gorgeous sights to behold.  I also noticed that a lot of the things that I thought were so spectacular on our trip out West are right here in my own backyard.  I just take them for granted here.  I’m trying to take a fresh look at our surroundings to see things the way a tourist would.  I’m looking at things and asking myself, “would I want to take a picture of that if I didn’t see it everyday?” – It’s fun to see my every day in a new light.

One of my favorite things...chocolate and peanut butter.  I’m obsessed, actually.  If they had rehab for this sort of thing I would have to check myself in.  No wonder I can’t commit to a weight loss plan…this stuff is dangerous!!

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Nate has his last swimming lesson this weekend and I’m taking him to see Lion King at the theater.  So exciting!  

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

 

I brought the boys to and took photos at a fire department training over the weekend and this was my favorite shot of Dave working the hose.  They were "drafting" (pulling water from a farmer's pond and transferring it back and forth between the trucks to "fight the fire") - It was cool to witness and (of course!) the boys LOVED it! 

Birthday Week 2011

I sit here, wracked with guilt as I realize I don't think I did a birthday week post party for Alex last year (oops!).  I celebrated Nate's birthday week last March, but totally forgot to dedicate the whole week to my Digger when it came time for his 2nd birthday.  Apparently March must have more free time associated with it (HA!) but for whatever reason, I tend to remember it for Nate and forget come September to keep things fair.  I promise to make it up to Alex this year!  (Love you, Piggy!  Mommy's sorry!)

Anyway, today marks the start of Nate's Birthday Week 2011.  And what a big week it is!  Next Monday my baby big boy turns 5.  FIVE!  Can you believe it?  I honestly don't know where 5 years (1,825 days!) have disappeared to so quickly!

So to kick off what proves to be a fun trip down memory lane this week, I thought it would be fun to celebrate Monday Ughday, Nate-style!

In honor of my little fireBug on the start of Birthday Week 2011, I bring you a smile from Ziggy, and a little firehouse bonus!

 

And from Thatababy by Paul Trap

My 5 Favorite Things about 2010

I'm a big fan of a blog/page called Operation NICE and this week's NICE Assignment (as seen here) is to list 5 of your favorite things from the past year.  I'm always looking for fun and creative ways to memorialize the year gone by, so I jumped at the chance.  But to pick only 5?!?!  Yikes!  That'll be the real challenge.  So here goes:

1.  My Trip to NYC to visit Tiffany in March.  To me, this trip stood for a whole heck of a lot more than just visiting one of my best friends on this planet.  To me, it was a challenge, a goal, and a success!!  I had serious anxiety over making that 6-hour drive, alone, in winter, with two boys under the age of 4.  I still remember seeing the City skyline come over the horizon and crying instantaneously.  A feeling of pride, accomplishment, and power surged over me when I realized I had done it.  And done it well!  We had a fabulous stay with Tiffany and Brielle that (blessed!) weekend!  The weather was horrible but the company was warm and inviting and the memories were priceless!!!

2.  My trip to Arizona with my sister to see my cousin get married in April.
Another trip of a lifetime was the plane ride I took with my sister to Arizona for my cousin, Todd's wedding.  We were both fortunate enough to leave our children home with our husbands to make the cross country trip as solo sisters.  What fun we had!  For 5 days, we shared a room, hung out with our cousin, Billy and his daughter, Clara, went shopping, took the hotel shuttle into town to sight see and bonded with family.  It was good to have that undistracted time away with my sister to reconnect.

3.  Moving to the new house.  While there was much stress and anxiety over making this move, I am so glad we did it!  We found a great house on 5 acres of beautiful land, in an area that has a great school for the boys, family nearby, and great neighbors!  I miss our old house and hold tight to the memories we made in the 6 years we lived there, but love where we are now.  It feels like home and is comfortable to just be here.

4.  My nephew, Ian, joining our family.  For a long time we thought my brother, Noah, would never agree to having children.  He was holding out for all the stars to align and finally, while on my trip to NYC, I got a call from him to announce they were having a baby!!!  I was so excited!  A few months later, we learned that they would be bringing a BOY into the ranks to grow up with my two and I was even more excited!  Then, when we found a house (literally) 42 seconds up the street from my brother and sister-in-law and moved in the month before my nephew was due, I was elated!  Now that Ian is here it feels like he's always been here and I don't know what we'd have done without him.  Wendy is the mother I always wish I had the time and patience to be so I knew she'd have this role down pat.  I can't wait for my boys to grow up with their cousin just up the street.  

5.  TIE - F-H-M Fire Department visit (and the outpouring of love from the whole FD Community) and Taking a Photoshop with my dear friend, Heidi.  I couldn't decide which was more profound in 2010 so I picked both for the individual, yet equally important meanings they held.

As for the Photoshop class, I chose it not so much for the class itself, I mean, yeah it was great stuff to learn and rounded out a whole slew of positive steps forward that I took in my photography in 2010, but i was thinking of it as my favorite more for the fantastic chain of events taking that class set off.  During this class, Heidi's husband, Joey, managed to single-handedly save my butt from the potential disaster of computer failure or data loss.  Not only did he volunteer to take all the kids (5 of them total!) while Heidi and I attended class 3 hours a week for 6 weeks, but while these weekly gatherings were taking place, Joey overhauled my entire computer and storage system and set me up with a permanent and secure copy of all my digital files - in one place!  Now it backs up automatically and is safe from all sorts of potential dangers!  The relief that brings me is indescribable!  I can't thank the Ciravola Family enough for all they have done for me, my boys, and my mental well being in 2010!

Regarding the fire department love Nathaniel received this year, you can read about it all here, but in summary, the single actions and grand gestures these firemen and women expressed the last few months has given me a whole new respect for people in their line of service and restored my faith in society as a whole.  It's truly remarkable and Nathaniel nor I will ever forget it!

Of course there were other moments in 2010 I'd like not to forget.  We did some boating, camped with friends, spent a lot of time up North at Mom and Dad's new camp, attended a Stanton family reunion, went to State and County Fairs, spent a lot of time with friends, and I was proud to be asked to take photos for a few separate events through work and for friends.  2010 was very good for us.  As we settle into our new home and new routines, I look forward to ringing in 2011 with some of the best people I know and starting off the new year with a fresh spirit, renewed energy, and recharged motivations!  Stay tuned for some of my goals, aspirations, and plans for the coming year!  Happy new year!

Generosity of strangers

 Our family has been blessed lately by the kindness of strangers.  Particularly complete strangers who volunteer their time at local fire departments.  It has opened my eyes to the wonderful men and women who make up the fire service in our communities.  After a short but sweet letter was sent to local fire departments inquiring about the availability of a department patch for my 4-year-old wannabe firefighter's firehouse themed bedroom, we have received an outpouring of love and kindness from people in the fire service.  For months now, Nathaniel has received letters from firefighters explaining how they, too, loved firefighting when they were his age and grew up to be real firemen.  He's received patches from nearly 35 organizations.  One gentleman wrote a letter and told a story about his 5-year-old twin sons who didn't quite take to firefighting like their Daddy so he sent Nate a collection of patches he'd saved over the years.  We received packages with fire safety materials, key chains, stickers, pencils, calendars.  You name it!  The outpouring of generosity has been amazing.  As you may recall from reading this, our local fire district even drove the entire fire company over to our house to personally deliver Nate a patch, many goodies, and give him a real fire helmet and a ride in a pumper truck!  They have been generous to him and us ever since.  These are truly fabulous people!  

Now to a four-year-old boy who loves fire trucks, fire equipment, and wants to be a fireman when he grows up (yesterday!), this means the world!  He has made so many "friends" in local fire departments that he feels a part of this community even though he's years from being able to join their ranks. 

Obviously the excitement is infectious, as well!

So, a few weeks ago, when a member of the Albion Fire Department stopped by and asked if his crew could bring a truck over to deliver Nate an Albion Fire Department patch, we were thrilled!

I was impressed with the time and effort they had given us - on a weekend, on their own time, out of district.  So I asked the guys if they had training that day or if they were getting together just to pay my Nate a visit and one of the guys said, "We love doing this sort of thing because that (he points to Nate) was us when we were his age!"  

Nate kept running to the garage to get pieces of his "fire equipment" to bring back and show the guys (pliers, rubber mallets, air hoses, etc.), all with technical names (closet hook, pike pole, self-contained breathing apparatus) and the firefighters would show them their equivalent (the real thing).  Nate was in awe.  And the firefighters  were shocked at his wealth of knowledge.  One guy said to me, "he knows more than some of the guys who have been doing this for years!"

Finally, Nate's new firefighter friends suggested we get a photo of the whole crew in their gear....with their newest "member", Nate, among the ranks.  The gigantic hearts found beneath turn out suits and Nomex hoods is impressive to say the least.