Jes2cu:)

This is my beautiful friend, Jes.  To know her is to love her.  She always brought an infectious energy to the room.  Her laugh was unforgettable and her smile was as radiant as her spirit.  She taught me so much in life over the last 25 years of friendship.  (Jes even gave me the name for this blog many years ago in a conversation we had wherein she was commiserating with me about being the Mom of all boys.)  

Unfortunately, she has taught me a lot about death and loss, as well.  Jes passed away on August 4, 2017 from metastatic breast cancer.  She fought ridiculously hard to hold on for all who loved her - her friends, family, and mostly for her husband and three young boys.  But God wanted her home.

In the weeks that have followed I have found myself thinking of her constantly - even more than usual. I often find myself wishing she were here to ask a question of, give advice, or just hang out with a cup of coffee and a lesson on her latest craft.  What I've learned (the hard way) is that life is too damn short.  I know people say that all the time, but I guess I'm slow and stubborn and it took losing someone (my age!) who was (until recently) ALWAYS there when I needed her, to learn this lesson first hand.  

The problem is/was that I let life get in the way too often.  Looking back over emails, text messages or G-chats Jes and I would send back and forth, there was a resonating repetition in our messages.  "Let's get together when the weather gets better" or "the next couple weeks are crazy so let's try after the holidays" or "I miss you, when can I see you?" (with no response from one or the other of us for WEEKS or MONTHS to set up a date).  There was no conscious realization that we'd NOT have a chance to reschedule or NOT have a chance in the future to set something up LATER.  The unfortunate result of this was that I found myself saying, "I really thought we'd have more time",  A LOT at her bedside in Hospice and ultimately at her funeral.  

Well, time ran out.  And now I'm kicking myself for not making better use of the time we had.

Rewind a few years...

When Jes called me to tell me the devastating news she had just received, I remember getting off the phone and calling my mother - My Aunt had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer so I wanted to know how my Mom was helping her.  Through tears I asked my Mom, "What can I do!?!" and "How can I help?".  With the confident wisdom that only a mother can impart, she said the best thing to do was to let Jes know she wasn't alone and that I was here and thinking of her.  My mom did that for my Aunt by sending her cards to keep in touch.  

So I went out and bought a bunch of cards.  Thinking of you.  Miss you.  Friendship.  Get well soon.  You name it, I picked them up everywhere I went.  I stocked up on them in droves so I'd have just the card needed for just the right time.  At first I was good at sending them.  I'd drop Jes a card or a note or a text to tell her she was in my thoughts.  I'd let her know I was here if she needed anything.  But as time went on and as she seemed to be handling everything with the strength and ease I honestly expected from her anyway, I got lazy (?), complacent (?), COMFORTABLE with the idea that she was strong and would kick cancer's butt and be just FINE.  Meanwhile, LIFE got busy, my check-ins were met with a confident and positive Jes telling me things were good and scans were showing positive news.  Life continued to get in the way and before long it would be weeks or even months between my contact.  Like I said before, I really felt like TIME was on our side.  Boy was I was wrong.

So, as I walked around my house after Jes passed away I found myself staring at this stockpile of cards I had bought to send to her and wondered, "Now what?".  I totally screwed that up.  Now I had this visual reminder of what a crappy friend I had been and how short life really is.  I was remembering on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis how easily opportunities can slip away from you and how we DON'T always have MORE TIME.  

So, I decided to take that lesson and make sure I never took my friends and loved ones for granted again.  If I was thinking of them, I wanted them to know.  If they had done something I was grateful for, I was going to tell them.  As silly as it is, I didn't want anyone else to die without knowing exactly what they meant to me.

I started sending those cards I had stockpiled to friends and family (far and wide).  I sent them to friends I see often and those I haven't seen or talked to in ages.  A few at a time, every week or so I'd have the names of people that had crept into my thoughts throughout the week.  (My list is longer now than my stamp budget, but I'll get to everyone.  I promise.) 

Then I got a few texts or messages from friends saying they had received my card(s) and that it made them smile.  A couple friends mentioned that they had been having a bad day or a hellish week and that my card was just what they needed.  One friend even said that it meant a lot to know that she "mattered if in some small way" and that it was a "much needed pick me up...in this chaotic adult life that can be boring, routine, complicated and so very harsh".  THIS is exactly what I needed and just what I wanted to spread.  I want to make sure the people in my life who have made me who I am never question the impact they have on the world.  

So I decided to make this my mission (?) or project of sorts.  It's a work in progress but it makes me happy to spread smiles, I guess.  So I asked my sister to come up with a logo for my project.  I call it my "Jes2cu:)" (Just to see you smile) project.  

The "Jes" in the logo is Jes's actual signature which makes me happy every time I see it.  

And so I will spread love and smiles whenever I can, in honor of my beloved Jes.  It sucks that I had to learn this lesson by losing her.  But I hope to never make the mistake of letting a moment go by without letting the people I care most about know they are important and loved.  Every time I stick a stamp on a card being sent to someone special, I can almost see her beautiful smile!

Bundles of note cards I put together to give to friends so they, too, can spread the love to people THEY care about.  

Community

 

     com·mu·ni·ty

         kəˈmyo͞onədē/

        noun

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2.    1.

      a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

   
   

      "the sense of community that organized religion can provide"

 

A dear friend of mine, David, used to say "you build community wherever you go".  He was a world traveler with fascinating experiences to share and valuable life lessons to teach.  He was brilliant and undeniably left an indelible mark on this world before Cancer took him in 2013.

This phrase has always stuck with me...yet until this week I never fully understood its impact and power.

 

I got word on Tuesday that another lifelong friend, Jes, was moved to Hospice after an all too long and difficult fight with Cancer.  It has finally taken its toll on her amazingly strong body and spirit.  I sat there in a daze trying to figure out what to do, how to help, why any of this was happening.  I felt lost and confused and full of dread for what was to come.
 

As I walked into Hospice that first day after getting the news, my anxiety was at an all time high.  Here I was in a beautiful, yet somber building, in an unfamiliar town, not knowing what to expect and definitely not wanting to be there in the first place.  As I stepped through the doors of her room, I was greeted by a room full of faces, both familiar and new.  Some of these people I had known for a lifetime yet hadn't seen in years, some I knew more superficially, but most I had never even met until that moment.  

 

As the hours and days have worn on, I have spent a LOT of time in that room with these people.  I have learned their names, their stories, who they "belong" to/with. I have slowly figured out their connections.  And they have learned mine.  Each of them has welcomed me in with (literal) open arms.  As the only "past" person there in a room full of blood relatives, family, and friends who live richly in her "present", I haven't once felt like an outsider.  Instead, I have come to count on these people for strength, updates, and support.  I look forward to seeing them again every day.  Hospice has since become a place of love and camaraderie, jokes and playfulness (as odd as that sounds).  I have found solace there in this group of people feeling the same feelings and walking the same path.  We each have our role to play - caregiver, meal planner, information sharer, medical expert, shift scheduler, comic relief...Our contributions are all different but each part makes up a whole.  Each of us is a piece in the puzzle of community that we have built around Jes, her family and each other. 

 

We are no longer strangers from different towns, backgrounds and times in Jes's life.  We are suddenly a COMMUNITY of friends, united by a common love for this amazing woman and a shared sadness for the journey we were traveling with her.  This amazing community she has built around her makes me both proud and sad.  I am so proud (and not surprised in the least) that Jes has this rich group of amazing people that love and adore her as much as I do.  However, I am sad that I didn't know many of them until now.  I am also immensely relieved to know that her husband and three wonderful boys will continue to have the love and support of these fabulous people to carry them through the next few weeks, months and years.

 

Shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer, I was talking online with Jes and wrote, "We'll get through this, my dear. You're not alone. Now is when all your years of being wonderful to everyone else will come back to provide strength and support for you!  Because you have earned all the love that we will now shower on you :)".  These words were genuine and sincere at the time yet somehow I never quite knew just HOW true and genuine they would become. 

Our journey together is not yet over, though the end does appear to draw near.  Please pray for peace for my dear Jes.   

It was a good day...

Today was a good day.

Sure, it had it's fill of flaws...I got notification that a grant I submitted for one of my heartsongs (Family Resource Center) wasn't approved.  To a professional grant writer, that probably means funding was tight or timing and/or fit were off.  But to me, that means Pre-k kids at FRC won't be able to go on a field trip to the Strong Museum.  Something that most of us in Rochester can do every other Saturday without thinking, but for them is an experience of a lifetime.

Just as that threatens to bring me down:

--->I get a sweet email from a friend reminding me to appreciate my worth that perks my spirits.

--->My kids snuggle up with me on the couch to watch Rudolph and munch popcorn.

--->I'm able to video chat with the Ciravola family, which proves to be loud and chaotic, and absolutely warms my heart. 

--->I solidify plans with my person to continue our "family" tradition tomorrow and am beyond excited to see her.

--->the boys and I do a simple craft that goes smoothly and we all enjoy!

--->I read an email from my boss, thanking me for a job well done this week, despite hectic deadlines, frantic schedules, and a migraine that threatened to do me in.

--->A Christmas present I ordered for a friend arrives in the mail and seeing it in person is even better than my vision!

--->My hubby makes dinner for the boys and I before he heads off to work, and the boys actually eat a good dinner without argument.

--->A video is posted on Facebook that makes me happy, puts me in the holiday spirit, and reminds me of my Daddy.

--->The boys and I go out in the first snowfall of the season and I get to take pictures of them just being kids.

 
These are the things I will choose to hang on to today.  Not the bad news.  Or the failed attempt at helping those that deserve it and need it most.  I will focus, instead, on the silver linings in my gray cloud.  The glimpses of love, support, encouragement, and hope that have sustained me throughout the day.  I hope you, too, can find your silver lining.  Goodnight.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming...

...for a reality check.  These goals and challenges I set up for myself and take on (101 in 1001, NaBloPoMo, Thanksgiving Thankfuls, 10 on 10, etc.) are great and fun and an effective way to keep me on task and direct my focus, but truth be told, life sometimes gets in the way.  As it should.  There are times when I am less than inspired on the 10th of the month, my profound thoughts don't articulate themselves in a coherent (or interesting) way and yes, I have even struggled with something to be thankful for each and every day.  I'm busy living life and don't always have time to write about it. So why, then, do I feel guilty when I "fail" or lack follow up or somehow do something contradictory to what I've "promised"?  I've learned that I'm not alone in this.  Is it the responsibility of the writer in me?  At work I'm constantly under deadline so perhaps I feel this same pressure in my own "work"?  Who knows...but I don't want this blog to feel like work or to be just one more thing I feel obligated to do, complete, accomplish.  That's not why I'm here.  So, here's to lightening up on the requirements, celebrating each and every post as a success, and just remembering that I blog because I love it, not because I have to, or because people are expecting me to.  If there's one area of life I can ease up on myself for, I will start here.  This is my domain and does anyone really care (or notice!) if I didn't blog every day in November or if I missed a Wordless Wednesday or haven't actually followed through on my 101 in 1001 list I talked about in January?!?  To all my friends (and fellow bloggers) out there, let's focus on why we do this! I support you no matter how often you write, how "substantial" your topics are, or what you say one day that might be contradicted by something you say on a different day, with a different perspective and mindset.  I hope you will grant me the courtesy of the same.  As always, thank you for just being here!

Friendship Friday...Part One

I had an interesting conversation with Heidi the other night about friendship that really got me thinking.  My brain churned about this all night and I had hoped to write a whole reflective post about friendship yesterday.  However, I'm finding that I can't quite get my thoughts out on paper coherently and say what I want in a meaningful way.  I'm struggling with how to define friendship.  What does it mean to be a friend?  How does friendship differ from friend to friend?  Am I the best friend I can be?  I would definitely consider myself to be inherently blessed in the friend department.   But how did I get so lucky?  And should this excessive luck concern me that the bottom could fall out at any time?

So instead of getting too deep and rambling on too much about my conflicting philosophical thoughts, I thought I'd start small.  Take a small bite out of this topic.  Then at least I'd be starting somewhere to try and sort things out through a series of posts that hopefully will bring some clarity to what I'm trying to express in the end.

So, I found this quote on the internet and it rings very true. 

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.

~Author Unknown

Friendship isn't about being big, or noticeable, or stealing the spotlight.  It's just there - constantly providing support and gentle encouragement from behind the scenes.  It's not about the grand gestures or the profound statements, it's the small and subtle actions that steal the show. 

But just as with any relationship, I think true friendship requires work.  Constant dilligence to keep things fed and nourished and fresh.  The great thing about true friends is that any efforts made on behalf of the friendship don't feel like work at all.  Friendship is very rewarding and incredibly worth the investment you make. 

Nature's Playdoh

As I forecast here...Winter has (finally) arrived!

 Just when it seemed we might see temperatures in the 50s right through Christmas, Mother Nature came through for us and delivered a fresh white blanket of beautiful snow to cover up the brown landscape Autumn had left behind after her departure.

 

Unfortunately, the fascination doesn't last long as adults.  We quickly start griping about the hazards and tedious chores that come along with this winter wonderland.  However this year, I hope to hold on to that wonderment a little longer than usual - To see the beauty beneath the black ice and snow drifts.

It's amazing how the miserable scraping and snow brushing and the dreaded winter driving can be so easily transformed into joy when a three-year-old runs to the window on a snowy morning and exclaims, "Yeah!  It's WINTER, Christmas is coming!!!"

 

I've lost track...

I don't know if I'm supposed to be doing a Thinkbox Thursday (TBT) or a Flashback Friday (FF) so I'm starting off with a TBT. Not the typical kind though as I'm too lazy to get off my duff and pull a question from the thinkbox. Instead, I'm on my own personal thinkbox (similar to the soapboxes many of us have and get on from time to time, only mine is simply a semi-dull revelation that's dumping out of my overfull head at the moment).

Lately I've been overwhelmed by life. In a desperate attempt to fill my proverbial 5lb bag with 10 (or more accurately, 25) lbs of crap, I think I've developed a split in the seams. I'm spilling things out at an alarming rate.  Tasks, ideas, random thoughts, knowledge, responsibilities and expectations are falling out at a rapid pace. I pick a lot of the stuff back up and shove it back in the bag to be dealt with later, but some of these things are being forever lost and irrevocably forgotten. That's what happens I suppose when my brain gets full, my days get stretched to capacity, and the sand runs out in my hourglass.

I've realized lately that it's not just me trying to juggle and balance and accomplish more than the day allows time for - everyone has their STUFF.  The stuff that gets in the way of them being 100% where they are.  Stuff going on at home that's distracting at work, stuff going on in your mind or body that gets in the way of what you want or need to do.  I guess that's not an amazing revelation in and of itself.  What this makes me realize is that I really need to get a grip.  The difference between me and everyone else is not in how much stuff I have to cope with but in HOW I cope (or choose NOT to cope) with what's given me.  We all have our struggles to deal with and our crosses to bear.  But true character is developed in how we choose to handle these challenges in life.  I wish there were an easy fix or a sure fire trick to maneuvering life's tricky road with grace.  I guess that's what life is meant to teach us and why it is indeed a JOURNEY.  One on which I struggle and learn something every day.  I trip, I fall, I stumble and with the help of my friends and family, I pick up the stuff that falls out of my over full bag and sew up the seams in an effort to hold it all together so I can trudge along a little further.  

My 25 lbs of crap has me bogged down at times (and highly distractible) but I'm doing the best I can.  I honestly do not forget things or lose track of things on purpose.  In fact, it drives me nuts to be such an airhead.  So, please forgive me if I forget something important (something I promised you, a birthday or special milestone), throw me a bone if I don't get back to you in a timely manner (or forget to get back to you at all) and gently jog my memory if I have dropped the ball as I suffer from these inevitable moments of brain purge syndrome (BPS).   I ask that you simply remind me of where I was when my sentences trail off or ask again I have failed to answer a question.  And I, too, will do the same for you if/when needed.  Hey, it's only fair!

And because every post needs a picture and I could use beautiful flowers like this all year round, please enjoy my lilacs from this past Spring.  Ahhh, I can almost smell them now...

Pity Party RSVP - regrets only, please

Have you ever had one of those days when it's difficult to see the silver lining amidst the dark clouds in your heart and mind? I call them my "doom and gloom" days - when my skies are cloudy even though the sun is shining brightly outside.

It starts when I wake up late and can't find anything to wear. Then my coffee isn't ready before I have to head out the door. I get to work 10 minutes late after some jerk cuts me off in traffic only to find a spot of something on my shirt. Nothing goes easily at work. I get home and my kids haven't napped and are especially difficult or challenging. Everything is just hard.

Deep down I know that those are the days when my perspective needs some serious tweaking. But try as I might to dig out from underneath the rubble of my day, I still feel defeated as my head hits the pillow.

Today has been one of those days for me and I find myself thinking back to this post that one of my favorite bloggers wrote (just last night!). The topic is apropros and a great reminder to stop my "poor, poor, pitiful me" mentality in its tracks and set out to find that four leaf clover (read the post and that'll make sense!).

The other day my friend posted a status update on her Facebook account that read:
"Who remembers "Love Is..." cartoons? Tonight mine is: Love is...laying in bed with my hubby at 8:30pm on a Sunday watching Entourage"

It got a whole bunch of responses with people leaving their own "Love is..." comments. I loved it! Now that's a mini-movement I can totally get behind!

Not only do I love those "Love Is..." cartoons (in fact, there's a whole website devoted to them that's great fun to read!) but I love what they stand for! It's a basic principle of counting your blessings and defining the single things in life that mean something to us. So I do hereby declare that I have decided to make this a weekly effort. Call it a self-improvement project if you must. But my plan is to post one thing that defines hapiness in my day/week/life.

Introducing: "Happiness is..." (yes, it's probably a copyright issue, but since my span is limited, I don't think they'll mind!) Feel free to join me and leave your personal "Happiness is..." comment below! Here's to focusing on the positive and reminding myself of all the blessings in my life, one small happiness at a time!!