As much as I wish I could change it, I will turn 40 in ten days. Ten Days until I turn the big 4-0. I'm trying to be positive and embrace the number. Really, I am. I am doing my best to channel my BFF and focus on my many blessings. I attempt every day to remember accomplishments made over the past 14,600 days.
I'm struggling though. 2016 has been the year of all my friends turning 40. They all seem to be embracing it. So many of my friends have been posting photos taken on fabulous trips to exotic places to commemorate their 40th. They've taken on big goals, done amazing things, accomplished fascinating dreams, or simply just embraced the fabulous people they are. All under the hashtag, "thisis40". It has me really trying to figure out, what is 40 for ME? I'm not planning any trips anywhere amazing. I haven't accomplished any grand dream or even made a huge impact on the world around me. I'm not even sure what I want to be when I grow up yet.
When I was in my 20s people older than me would tell me when I got to be in my 30s and 40s I'd care less what people think, I'd find a self confidence I was then lacking. Forty sounded so liberating. I always figured by my thirties and forties I would finally know who I am, what I was supposed to do in this world and where I belonged. I am so not there.
Forty has me physically out of shape, emotionally exhausted and seemingly messing up everything I touch. My house is a mess, my brain is just as cluttered, and I never quite have it all together. This isn't the grace and style I was hoping to have by now.
Will I ever get there? I guess I have 10 days to figure that out. Wish me luck.