As much as I wish I could change it, I will turn 40 in ten days. Ten Days until I turn the big 4-0. I'm trying to be positive and embrace the number. Really, I am. I am doing my best to channel my BFF and focus on my many blessings. I attempt every day to remember accomplishments made over the past 14,600 days.
I'm struggling though. 2016 has been the year of all my friends turning 40. They all seem to be embracing it. So many of my friends have been posting photos taken on fabulous trips to exotic places to commemorate their 40th. They've taken on big goals, done amazing things, accomplished fascinating dreams, or simply just embraced the fabulous people they are. All under the hashtag, "thisis40". It has me really trying to figure out, what is 40 for ME? I'm not planning any trips anywhere amazing. I haven't accomplished any grand dream or even made a huge impact on the world around me. I'm not even sure what I want to be when I grow up yet.
When I was in my 20s people older than me would tell me when I got to be in my 30s and 40s I'd care less what people think, I'd find a self confidence I was then lacking. Forty sounded so liberating. I always figured by my thirties and forties I would finally know who I am, what I was supposed to do in this world and where I belonged. I am so not there.
Forty has me physically out of shape, emotionally exhausted and seemingly messing up everything I touch. My house is a mess, my brain is just as cluttered, and I never quite have it all together. This isn't the grace and style I was hoping to have by now.
Will I ever get there? I guess I have 10 days to figure that out. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
Double Digits
In the blink of an eye my Bug has turned 10. While I can't imagine my life without him in it, it seems impossible to think that he has been in my world for a whole decade!
Three years ago, when he was turning seven, I wrote the following:
"Suddenly, you appear before me, this boy who can make his own lunches and get himself ready for school. You have friends and a social schedule and plans that aren't always mine. You have homework and chores and responsibilities that you take care of with some gentle reminding. You're mature, and polite, and kind. Temper tantrums have begun to give way and therefore have made time for more philosophical conversations and fun play. As if out of nowhere, you know things - smart things - that I didn't teach you. You read and learn and listen and soak in the world around you - the good, the bad, and the ugly. You worry more. You parent a lot. You fight like heck for the little person but forget to stand up for the person you should be protecting the most (you!)."
It hasn't changed at all. Nate is still my independent, mature, and responsible "old man". He follows the rules and makes sure everyone else does, too. He's helpful and kind.
He is smart and has brilliant ideas and actual opinions about important stuff. At nine he thinks more about other people and their feelings than most adults I know. He's raised money for the ASPCA, studies about World War II like it's his job, and even started a business, Inventors, Inc. He's written bylaws for his business, and has a "staff" of 14 of his classmates. He even asked his school principal if he could set up a table for his business at the PTSA's Family Fun Night next month.
Nate reads everything he can get his hands on. When I'm having a bad day or am beyond frustrated with his little brother's behavior, he is the first to offer a hug, a kiss or will make me a cup of tea just to ease the tension. His imagination is still stellar and he'll disappear into scenes in his mind. It's fascinating.
As a 4th-grader he's still singing in chorus, taken up playing the trumpet, gotten braces, and still lives and breathes fire fighting. He's gotten really good at cooking. Thanks to loving friends and family, he has a few cookbooks from which he'll pick a recipe and go to town. He's made some delicious meals and desserts!
He is definitely a one of a kind kid. I don't know how I got so lucky to be his Mom...but I cherish every moment!
Three years ago, when he was turning seven, I wrote the following:
"Suddenly, you appear before me, this boy who can make his own lunches and get himself ready for school. You have friends and a social schedule and plans that aren't always mine. You have homework and chores and responsibilities that you take care of with some gentle reminding. You're mature, and polite, and kind. Temper tantrums have begun to give way and therefore have made time for more philosophical conversations and fun play. As if out of nowhere, you know things - smart things - that I didn't teach you. You read and learn and listen and soak in the world around you - the good, the bad, and the ugly. You worry more. You parent a lot. You fight like heck for the little person but forget to stand up for the person you should be protecting the most (you!)."
It hasn't changed at all. Nate is still my independent, mature, and responsible "old man". He follows the rules and makes sure everyone else does, too. He's helpful and kind.
He is smart and has brilliant ideas and actual opinions about important stuff. At nine he thinks more about other people and their feelings than most adults I know. He's raised money for the ASPCA, studies about World War II like it's his job, and even started a business, Inventors, Inc. He's written bylaws for his business, and has a "staff" of 14 of his classmates. He even asked his school principal if he could set up a table for his business at the PTSA's Family Fun Night next month.
Nate reads everything he can get his hands on. When I'm having a bad day or am beyond frustrated with his little brother's behavior, he is the first to offer a hug, a kiss or will make me a cup of tea just to ease the tension. His imagination is still stellar and he'll disappear into scenes in his mind. It's fascinating.
As a 4th-grader he's still singing in chorus, taken up playing the trumpet, gotten braces, and still lives and breathes fire fighting. He's gotten really good at cooking. Thanks to loving friends and family, he has a few cookbooks from which he'll pick a recipe and go to town. He's made some delicious meals and desserts!
He is definitely a one of a kind kid. I don't know how I got so lucky to be his Mom...but I cherish every moment!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Therapy
I have had an overwhelming need to write lately. Not about anything profound or even all that important...just to "talk" in an effort to purge the words, emotions, and thoughts in my head. I miss it. I miss sharing our stories and photos and adventures. It's not that we haven't had anything to share...it's quite the opposite, actually. We've been so busy I haven't had the TIME to share.
And that makes me sad. As I've mentioned before, so many moments have fallen through the cracks in my memory. So many stories have gone untold and will undoubtedly be forgotten until such time in the distant future when some random event sparks a flicker of remembrance. Even then the memory will be fleeting, as many of my memories are these days.
As I sit here in my new pink camo recliner the wood stove is cranking at about 80 degrees. My wine, which was once chilled, is now lukewarm and my cat is insisting on garnering all of my attention.
Nate will be turning 10 (!) in less than 2 weeks and Dave and I are trying to plan a special trip to commemorate this big birthday (double digits!). I figured at 10 he's over the whole "party" thing (or at least I am!). So instead of spending the money to have a magician come entertain 20 of his "closest" friends, we're looking to provide an adventure and build some lifelong memories. In true Nate fashion, we're going to bring him to NYC to tour the 9/11 memorial and maybe visit FDNY. It'll be perfect for our little Fire Bug. I cant' wait! I hope he doesn't miss out too much on the chance to celebrate with his friends, but I want to make it special in a new way this year.
And that makes me sad. As I've mentioned before, so many moments have fallen through the cracks in my memory. So many stories have gone untold and will undoubtedly be forgotten until such time in the distant future when some random event sparks a flicker of remembrance. Even then the memory will be fleeting, as many of my memories are these days.
As I sit here in my new pink camo recliner the wood stove is cranking at about 80 degrees. My wine, which was once chilled, is now lukewarm and my cat is insisting on garnering all of my attention.
Nate will be turning 10 (!) in less than 2 weeks and Dave and I are trying to plan a special trip to commemorate this big birthday (double digits!). I figured at 10 he's over the whole "party" thing (or at least I am!). So instead of spending the money to have a magician come entertain 20 of his "closest" friends, we're looking to provide an adventure and build some lifelong memories. In true Nate fashion, we're going to bring him to NYC to tour the 9/11 memorial and maybe visit FDNY. It'll be perfect for our little Fire Bug. I cant' wait! I hope he doesn't miss out too much on the chance to celebrate with his friends, but I want to make it special in a new way this year.
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