A little over a week ago I got news that I never saw coming. The kind of news that sucks the wind out of your sails and sends you reeling. My job, the position I have loyally held for nearly 9 years, is being eliminated. HR did the best they could to reassure me - they reminded me that I still have my job until June; that they will do the best they can to help me in any way I see fit; they assured me (rather emptily) that everyone who "touched this decision in any way feels horrible about it". At the time, with tears streaming down my face, as I struggled just to suck air, not to mention try (rather unsuccessfully) to make eye contact, all I really heard was "blah, blah, no job, blah, blah, no money, blah, blah, no purpose".
I took a day to feel sorry for myself. I cried. I got angry. I made immature and bitter remarks. I had a pity party, felt like a loser, questioned my self worth.
Then I picked myself up, brushed myself off and started making lists. I made "plans". I did research. I dusted off my resume and I started applying for jobs.
Don't get me wrong. I still feel like a loser, I worry every second about what will happen or what I'm going to do...but I can't let this get me down (for long). My husband needs me to be positive. My kids need to know that nothing is wrong and that even if Mommy is talking about new jobs for whatever reason, that they don't have anything to worry about and their world will not change in any noticeably drastic ways. I just can't allow myself to have to say "No, Nate...you can't play football this year because Mommy lost her job and we can't afford it", or "I know all the other kids are going to the roller skating party but it's expensive so you can't join them". That, to me, would be the ultimate failure...letting my boys down. So I have to do whatever I can to make sure those words never have to be uttered.
The good news is, I am pretty "marketable" as far as having a wide variety of "skills" that should afford me the opportunity to land SOME job, doing something, somewhere. Sure, I'd love to take this opportunity to find something I love...to really figure out what I'm good at and do what makes me happy. But that is (and really should be, I suppose) trumped by the necessity simply to ensure that I continue to have a paycheck in 10 short weeks when my job ends.
So, if you are so inclined, prayers are welcome. If you know of any openings, please share. Otherwise, just wish me luck. I'm going to need it.